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Mark Steel: They can't license the Olympic spirit

Wed, 23 May 2012 09:00:01 GMT

With only a few weeks to go, we're at the point where it's almost illegal to not be excited about the Olympics. By the middle of June, local councils will order us all to meet in our local park at 6.30 each morning and say communally, "Oooh, it's only a month to the opening ceremony", and recite the competitors in the first heat of the 200m backstroke.

Mark Steel: Starve the Greeks and they'll feel better

Tue, 15 May 2012 23:00:01 GMT

Up until now the argument has been that there's no alternative. We have to slash public spending and wages because there's so much debt that otherwise there'll be chaos, absolute chaos. The joy of this method is it saves having to make a case for your actions, so it ought to be used more often. Journalists accused of phone hacking could say, "I had no choice but to listen to a dead soldier's voicemail because otherwise there'd be chaos, absolute chaos. Just look at Greece, they didn't hack any phones and look at the mess they're in, there was no alternative."

Mark Steel: What do we want? More of the same!

Tue, 08 May 2012 23:00:01 GMT

Now that parties supporting cuts are losing elections across Europe, I wonder if the Labour Party will consider a policy of opposing cuts. At the moment, they sort of oppose them, so if the Government announces 200 libraries are closing next Wednesday morning, Labour says: "This is typical of this callous administration. They ought to wait until the afternoon." Their slogan seems to be "We agree there have to be cuts but they're doing it too fast", which isn't likely to galvanise people. That's why there's never been a demonstration where people have chanted: "What do we want? What they're already doing anyway. When do we want it? Over a slightly lengthier period."

Mark Steel: How should we sort the crisis at Heathrow? By holding the Olympics there instead!

Tue, 01 May 2012 23:00:01 GMT

It's encouraging that UK Border Control is joining in the Olympic spirit by making anyone arriving to watch the Games wait two and a quarter hours to have their passport checked, which is roughly the time it will take to run the marathon. Maybe the Government could make the queuing even more exciting by turning it into a race. Someone could run the marathon course while people are waiting to pass through passport control, with a commentary going, "The runner is crossing Tower Bridge, but what a spurt from our passenger as she dramatically moves forward nine inches, though she does look weary and is screaming for water."

Mark Steel: Let's just hold the Olympics at Heathrow

Tue, 01 May 2012 23:00:01 GMT

Mark Steel: Give credit to Bernie Ecclestone - every despot should have a Grand Prix

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 23:00:01 GMT

The most fun part of the news at the moment is these interviews with the government of Bahrain. Because they start: "You have stated that you're moving your country towards democracy. Is that true, Crown Prince Imperial Grand Emperor O Flawless Being of Gorgeous Holy Succulent Mightiness?"

Mark Steel: Shall we let rich people decide who gets treated in our hospitals?

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 23:00:01 GMT

However the dispute about tax and charity donations ends up, the one thing we must all agree on is how inspiringly generous these philanthropists are, selflessly donating chunks of money that, by coincidence, are the amount they would have had to pay in tax anyway. Even the Good Samaritan would have said: "That's TOO philanthropic, you're being a fool to yourself."

Mark Steel: Shall we let the rich decide who's cured?

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 23:00:01 GMT

Mark Steel: Galloway and Aung San Suu Kyi – so alike

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 23:00:01 GMT

Britain is different now, since George Galloway was elected in Bradford. Partly this is because he's splendidly unpredictable, so it's possible he'll resign to compete in the Olympics at weightlifting, or discover he's fourth in line to the throne. He's also baffled the politicians and commentators who think they know how politics works. So the suggestion is made that the outcome was a result of Galloway unfairly courting the Muslim vote. Because as anyone knows, if you want to trick a Muslim to vote for you, it's best to be a Scottish Catholic standing against a Labour Muslim. That's why the entire Pakistani parliament is made up of Celtic fans, and the current Prime Minister of Bangladesh is Andy McDowell, from Falkirk.

Mark Steel: Watch out! Democracy is dangerous

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 23:00:01 GMT

We mustn't panic, but according to a front page headline in the Daily Mail we're being "HELD TO RANSOM BY 1,000 TANKER DRIVERS". What bad luck, that 1,000 tanker drivers have become Somali pirates. I suppose they had to re-train because of redundancies in the piracy trade due to new technology, such as email ransom notes and digital planks. But they've perfected a new method of ransom, which is holding a strike ballot and counting the votes.

Mark Steel: Sign up now and win a heart bypass!

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 00:00:01 GMT

At last this Bill has been passed, to enable our Health Service, the envy of the world, to become more like the American system, universally derided as a chaotic disaster. Now they can introduce bills to make our ferry service more like the one in Italy, and our record on child abuse more like that of the Vatican. It takes inventive thinking to hear that in the US, drugs companies spend twice as much on advertising as they do on research, and say, "That's MARVELLOUS, why can't WE do that"? Because, instead of expensive anaesthetics and medicines which no one can be sure make any difference, there's nothing like a cheery advert with a smiley doctor to ease away your leukaemia and get you running about.

Mark Steel: That's an awful lot of bad apples

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 00:00:01 GMT

The case of the soldier who went berserk in Afghanistan and killed 16 people must be utterly baffling to psychiatrists. Who can imagine what might cause someone in a stable environment such as Kandahar, with reliable role models training you to distrust the entire local population as terrorists, and no access to weapons except automatic machine guns, to flip like that? Still, they say it's always in the tranquil places that these things happen.

Mark Steel: We need a minister for Abu Qatada

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 00:00:01 GMT

Can this be right, that Theresa May, the Home Secretary, has gone to Jordan for three days to sort out deporting Abu Qatada? How dangerous is this bloke? You could understand the Minister responsible for Britain putting everything aside for three days if we'd captured The Joker, or Doctor Evil. But is Abu Qatada really in that league?

Mark Steel: As Jesus said, you're ruining it for tourists

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 00:00:01 GMT

At last, the police have become efficient. They may have stumbled slightly with their investigation of News International, but they haven't made the same mistake with the people sitting around by St Paul's. Last year, presumably, if they'd been asked to evict them, they'd have written a report saying, "We have left no stone unturned in pursuing the occupiers, but after driving round the cathedral hundreds of times we have no evidence of any tents anywhere, or, indeed, of any cathedral."

Mark Steel: Iraq was such a laugh, let's do it to Iran

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:00:01 GMT

Governments and commentators keen on promoting a war against Iran should be stridently opposed, not so much because of the threat to world peace, but because their reasons display a shocking lack of imagination. The most common one is that Iran has "Weapons of Mass Destruction". How pathetic to pick the same excuse twice in a row. They should make it more interesting, by revealing evidence that Ahmadinejad has built a Terminator, or plans to fill the Strait of Hormuz with a giant Alka-Seltzer so the Persian Gulf fizzes over Kuwait.

Mark Steel: If religion is 'marginal', I'm the Pope

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 00:00:01 GMT

If you're going to complain that religion is becoming "marginal", as Baroness Warsi did yesterday, it's genius to do it when you're a member of the Cabinet on a visit to the Pope. Maybe Warsi said to him, "For example, your Holiness, look how these days you're tucked away in a backstreet in Rome which hardly even shows up on the A to Z."

Mark Steel: How to get efficient or die trying

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:00:01 GMT

The proposed Health Service reforms can seem complicated, but luckily one official has tried to explain the idea behind them simply. Mark Spencer, the medical director for the NHS in north-west London, yesterday described his area, saying: "We have more hospitals per head of population, more hospital beds per head of population, and travel time to your local hospital is much shorter than anywhere else in the country. And that's an inefficient system."

Mark Steel: Still relaxed about the filthy rich?

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:00:01 GMT

I'm not sure I've read it right, but is the Labour Party AGAINST bankers getting million-pound bonuses now? Maybe we all misunderstood their policy for 15 years. When Peter Mandelson said he was "intensely relaxed about people becoming filthy rich", he didn't mean it was all right for bankers like Stephen Hester to be offered a bonus of £963,000. He must have drawn the line at £962,000. That would be filthy rich, which is fine and relaxing, but £963,000 is taking the piss.

Mark Steel: Palace life is all about losing on penalties

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 00:00:01 GMT

I've read a bit about the Cuban missile crisis, when for a few days the world wobbled on the edge of nuclear war. But I bet it was a doddle compared to the nerves of being a Crystal Palace fan in the days before Tuesday's second leg of the Carling Cup semi-final against Cardiff City.

Mark Steel: All aboard the London Eye, claimants!

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:00:01 GMT

We've come to that point in the lifetime of every Tory government when we're invited to scream about people on benefits. Some people enjoy this activity all the time, but at the moment it's like New Year's Eve for drinking, a time when if you're not doing it to excess, you get sneered at for not taking part in the fun.

Mark Steel: A new yacht is the least she deserves

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 00:00:01 GMT

One of the talents of the Conservative Party since the days of Margaret Thatcher has been to explain economics as if the country is a household, so everyone can understand ideas such as the need to cut spending when you're in debt. So I imagine they'll use the same homely reasoning to explain their support for a new royal yacht. Because anyone who's run a household knows, when money is tight and you've spent two years insisting your family can't have anything, if you're prudent that's when you buy a 650ft yacht with a theatre and a helipad.

Mark Steel: Let's hand out gold medals to big business

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 00:00:01 GMT

I love the Olympics. During the Games in Beijing, I watched for nine hours without a break until the commentator said, "And you have to say, that's a CRITICAL moment in the history of Algerian judo." David Cameron is another fan, who explained how excited he was about the London Games. His reason, he said, was, "the eyes of the world will be on Britain", providing "a chance for companies from across the globe to interact and do business in the UK." He might as well have added, "So thank Christ for that because all the running and stuff bores me senseless."

Mark Steel: Do the elderly need a £14m bonus as well as pudding?

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 00:00:01 GMT

Almost everyone connected to the elderly or care homes has insisted the Government addresses the issue of the lack of care homes. So the Government has agreed to look into it. One possible cause they might find, if they investigate thoroughly and consult enough people, analysing everything with great care, is that they've cut the number of care homes.

Mark Steel: Just because you're an atheist doesn't make you rational

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 00:00:01 GMT

Having followed the latest debate about religion, I'd say the conclusion is obvious that the only thing as disturbing as the religious is the modern atheist. I'd noticed this before, after I was slightly critical of Richard Dawkins and received piles of fuming replies, that made me think that what his followers would like is to scientifically create an eternity in laboratory conditions so that they could burn me there for all of it.

Mark Steel: I'd like to be taken for lunch by the taxman

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 00:00:01 GMT

This country must be about to become dazzlingly liberal. Because it's been revealed that the Inland Revenue "negotiated" with big business about their tax bills, often over lunch, and then let them off £25bn. As the Government insists we're all in it together, this must be how they'll deal with everyone now. Menacing clerks with clipboards will knock on a door and say, "We have photographic evidence you've been working on a building site while claiming social security. Game's up, sonny, it's time you answered some questions.