By Alan Duffy

Celebrities from A-List to Z-List were crammed into the hallowed stands of Old Trafford like superstar sardines on Sunday night as the well-meaning yet quite bizarre Soccer Aid came to town.

England, captained by Robbie Williams’ full-time professional mate, Jonathan Wilkes, could call upon the likes of Teddy Sheringham, Graeme Le Saux, Paddy McGuinness and a few chaps from JLS. While their opponents, imaginately called the Rest of the World,  included Clarence Seedorf, Roy Keane, Will Ferrell and Mike Myers (I told you it was bloody bizarre).

Anyway, the beardy guitar playing Italian bloke from Kasabian scored a cracker, beating David Seaman with a fine curling chip (deja vu for Seaman no doubt), before Sheringham, Wilkes and Kevin Phillips won the game for the England side which was managed by Sam Allardyce (Kenny Dalglish was in charge of the Rest of the World).

With Hollywood heavyweights such as Ed Norton, Woody Harrelson and Gerard Butler also taking part, you have to hand it to the organisers. Check out the photos and see who else you can spot as I couldn’t be arsed listing them all for you. And check out the video of Mr. Kasabian’s goal too.

Oh and the real highlight of the game? Surely that was seeing ‘Chef’ Ramsay getting taken out of the game by Sheringham (after Ben Shephard had done the former Rangers starlet earlier in the game). Hurray for charity!

Photos…

Highlights…

Photos: PA

                          

By Alan Duffy

Shorn of stars such as Gareth Bale and Joe Ledley, Wales went down by two goals to nil against Mexico in Chris Coleman’s first game as manager.

Playing in sweltering heat at the MetLife Stadium in New York, Mexico were much the better side and went ahead towards the end of the first half after totally dominating the game. Aldo De Nigris was the goalscorer, heading home from the back post.

Things failed to improve for the Welsh after the break, with De Nigris eventually sealing the win with his second late on.

Coleman obviously needs time to make his mark on a gifted Welsh side, but with the World Cup qualifiers beginning in around four months time, the pressure will start to mount sooner rather than later.

Photos…

Highlights to follow…

Photos: PA

                          

Norway 0-1 England – International Friendly – 26th May 2012

England secured their first win against Norway in 32 years on Saturday evening, courtesy of a single goal from Ashley Young. The United wideman netted superbly inside 10 minutes to give Roy Hodgson a winning start to his England reign, although overall, the Three Lions were rather sloppy in possession.

Andy Carroll did well enough up front while teenager Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain made his senior debut in a late sub appearance. However, a groin injury sustained by Gareth Barry may well have Hodgson thinking about a replacement for the City man ahead of Euro 2012.

Not a flashy beginning, but a win is a win as they say.

Photos…

Highlights…

Photos: PA

                          

By Alan Duffy

Republic of Ireland 1-0 Bosnia & Herzegovina – Friendly – 26th May 2012

Giovanni Trapattoni is getting a rather decent squad of players together, and against Bosnia & Herzegovina in Dublin, another gifted young Irishman made his first start for the Republic. James McClean enjoyed a superb season in the Premer League with Sunderland, and at the Aviva, his every touch was greeted with applause.

McClean threatened the Bosnian goal on a number of occasions, however, it was the more experienced Aiden McGeady who made the difference against a Bosnian side which included Edin Dzeko and Dynamo Moscow playmaker Zvjezdan Misimovic.

Coming on as a half-time sub, McGeady hit the post before ulitmately setting up Shane Long’s winner on late on, courtesy of a fine cross.

With McGeady, McClean, Long, Damien Duff, Robbie Keane and Kevin Doyle all battling for places up front, the Boys in Green  could provide a shock or two in Poland and Ukraine. If only they had a bit more depth in central midfield, they could be a pretty decent outfit.

Photos…

Highlights…

Photos: PA

                          

By Chris Wright

Things Javier Zanetti is good at:

1. Parting his hair with precision
2. Sprinting 85-yards in the 90th minute to win corners
3. Making men half his age look like work-shy fops

Things Javier Zanetti is not good at:

1. Singing…

Christ on a bike.

                          

Barcelona beat Athletic Bilbao 3-0 (both sets of fans – Catalan and Basque – booed the Spanish national anthem) to win the Copa Del Rey in Pep’s final game in charge last night, with Lionel Messi scoring his 73rd goal of the season sandwiched between a brace from Pedro all inside the first 25 minutes.

However, with the game all but over after just half-an-hour, Bilbao’s Javi Martinez obviously couldn’t wait until the final whistle to swap shirts with Andres Iniesta – coming over a little ‘desperate’ in his attempts to procure the Barca’s midfielder’s jersey before half-time…

Photos…

Highlights…

Photos: PA

                          

By Alan Duffy

Montpellier, a club akin to Wolves in size and financial power, pulled off a fantastic shock in Ligue 1 this season, beating moneybags PSG to the French title and showing that, despite the Chelsea and Man City’s of this world, it is still possible to succeed without some rich geezer spunking bazillions on his latest plaything.

While Montpellier’s success is based largely on their superb youth set-up, man of the moment Olivier Giroud was picked up on the cheap from second tier side Tours in 2010. However, this season, the left-footed hitman exploded into life, bagging a joint-high 21 league goals along with nine assists.

Now, Arsenal lead a queue of clubs eager to snap up the 25-year-old and while he is guaranteed Champions League football with Montpellier next season, a move to the Premier League may suit the striker. Indeed, reports from France are suggesting that the Gunners are preparing to offer Marouane Chamakh and £6.5 million for Giroud. Although, with Robin van Persie (if he stays) and Lukas Podolski already there, do the Gunners really need another left-footed attacker?

Anyway, check out his best bits this season. And look out for Giroud at Euro 2012 next month…

                          

By Chris Wright

With just 14 days – one English fortnight – left until the whole shebang gets underway out in Poland and Ukraine, here’s your handy, cut-out-and-keep guide to all the 32 outfield strips to be worn at Euro 2012 – starting at the top of Group A with the Czech Republic…

Greece…

Poland…

Russia…

Denmark…

Germany…

Holland…

Portugal…

Croatia…

Italy…

Ireland…

Spain…

England…

France…

Sweden…

Ukraine…

Who wins? Holland wins. Though Germany are a close second; that green strip is a work of retro-tastic beauty.

Which strips have you got your eyes on Pies fans?

                          

As the first installment of their ‘Faces of England’ project, Umbro have had Paul Gascoigne recount his England career – which, for him, is no mean feat – reliving the defiant pride and the dizzying passion of his time with the national team in candid detail.

There are tears (again)…

Video: Umbro

                          

By Alan Duffy

Former QPR and Fulham boss Ray ‘Razor’/'Butch’ Wilkins is in line for a return to management courtesy of the empty hot-seat at the Hawthorns.

The former Chelsea, Man Utd and Milan midfielder has been in talks with West Brom over the job, although there remain a number of other strong contenders for the job. Former Chelsea boss Claudio Ranieri has also spoken to the Baggies’ top brass while Birmingham City manager Chris Hughton is also thought to be in the frame for the position left vacant by Roy Hodgson.

Wilkins, who has also had temporary spells in charge at Stamford Bridge, is currently the subject of court proceedings over a drink driving offence. The ‘Stay On Your Feet’ star was arrested in his car earlier this month ear his Cobham home and is accused of being way over the alcohol limit. Wilkins will discover his fate when he is tried in August.

So, Baggies’ fans, would Wilkins be a good appointment? Or is Chris Hughton the man for the job? Tell me! I don’t bloody know!

                          

By Chris Wright

FIFA dumpling Sepp Blatter has hinted this morning that he and his minions are looking at alternative methods to decide games after the inhumane cruelty of penalty shootouts caused him to wake up screaming in a cold sweat, leaving him needing a few hours in his onyx meditation chamber to stop the palpitations.

Sepp told a media conference this morning:

“Football can be a tragedy when you go to penalty kicks. Football should not go to one to one, when it goes to penalty kicks football loses its essence.

“Perhaps the ‘Football Task Force 2014′ group (who recommend rule changes to FIFA) can show us a solution, perhaps not today but in the future.”

The head of this task force? Franz Beckenbauer, honorary president of Bayern Munich, who lost the Champions League on penalties last weekend. It’s just a coincidence we’re sure.

Anyway, it got our juices flowing and after we’d mopped them up, we began brainstorming. Beating Beckenbauer’s justice league to the punch, here are Pies’ six proposed alternative to the penalty shootout…

1. FIFA Ex-Co Fight to the Death: Each side gets to select one of FIFA’s executive commitee from a brochure as their representative in a fight to the death on the pitch. The floodlights are dimmed as both members are driven blindfolded onto the pitch, with the two cars taking their place in an unescapable ring of vehicles formed around the centre-spot. The doors are then unlocked remotely and the two fight to the death while crude weaponry (lead pipes, nailed planks, hammers) is thrown in from outside. Winner is the last man standing. Our money’s on Tokyo the Sexwhale.

2. Penalties remain, but Sepp has to take them all:

Pwarp!

3. Dance Off:

4. Reality show: After 90 minutes, a player from each side is allowed to come forward, to perform an insipid version of Mariah Carey’s ‘Hero’ or some terrible crap from a Lloyd-Webber musical. A giant chair then swivels around in one of the executive boxes and we have Jessie J critiquing the vocal performances despite the obvious irony, before the phone lines are opened to the public. Best ‘all my immediate family are dead’ sob story wins – just like in real life! (Maybe a cooking element could also be included to snare that all-important 25-45 female demographic?)

5. Have a little pow-wow with Budweiser: Extra-time Multiball. Must. Happen…

6. Unmarked manilla envelopes: As is the case with standard FIFA protocol, both sides place a cheque for a specified amount inside a brown envelope in a blind auction at full-time, with the highest bidder taking the spoils – the ‘Qatar Method’ as it’s known in the trade. An added incentive being that FIFA would also be able to buddy up with Coca Cola (other multi-national soft drinks conglomerates are available) as their ‘official envelope opening partner’ and stage a stupidly decadent 30-minute ‘envelope opening ceremony’ with 1,000 dancing moose all wearing blue cellophane visors and silver romper suits. Win/win.

Right, what’s FIFA’s number again?

                          

In which Pep Guardiola suddenly comes over all ‘Mrs Robinson’…

Oh Pep, you sly horndog! Don’t mind if I do…

Image: Sky Sports

                          

By Chris Wright

There is pretty much nothing – nuh, thin – on this Earth more embarrassing to behold than beatboxing. I’ll say it again: Nothing. It’s terrible. Cringe-inducing. Down their with mime and interpretive dance in terms of artistic endeavor.

Here’s an incredibly startled-looking Nani doing it for some reason during a press conference with the Portuguese national side…

*Shudder*

And before you ask, yes, I was once jilted at the alter by a dancing beatbox mime artist – not that I’ve let it affect me.

Video: 101GG

                          

By Chris Wright

Oh cruel fate, how thy mock. John Ruddy has been ruled out of Euro 2012 after breaking a finger during England’s training session at the Etihad yesterday, with 19-year old Birmingham ‘keeper Jack Butland now set to join the England squad in his place.

Not that we were under any illusion he was going to play in Poland and Ukraine, but Ruddy’s form throughout 2011/12 definitely merited a place at a major tournament. It’s just a damn shame is what it is. At least the marriage is back on, assuming it’s not his ring finger that’s gerbrochen.

Cue the ‘Ruddy Hell’ headlines.

                          

Pies says: “This summer’s blockbuster: Rob Martinez and John W. Henry star in ‘Slacks and the City’”

You say?

(Thanks to Pies fan @lumpy_dough for the nudge)

                          

By Chris Wright

Just before every major tournament, supermarkets in Holland go big in giving away little Oranje doodads to customers who buy their body weight in groceries (read: crates of beer), e.g, it all started with ‘Wuppies’ in 2006, before the whole nation became bunged up with these fuzzy little critters ahead of the 2010 World Cup – it’s a tradition that is slowly driving the Dutch insane.

This year it would appear that adhesive ‘Happy-go-Lucky Birdies’ are the things to have, and the Dutch national team – including Nigel de Jong in his first starring role – have backed supermarket chain C1000 in their bid to send an entire nation loopy with a suitably baffling promo video set to ‘The Birdy Song’ (what else?) but with rap and opera interludes…

Must…buy…Dutch…lager.

                          

By Alan Duffy

They say you can prove anything with statistics and the latest statistical boffinry to throw us a cureveball comes courtesy of statty men and women Infostrada, who have thrown lots of games and facts and figures into a big magical computing machine, with some interesting results coming out the other end.

After comparing both clubs and national teams, Infostrada produced a ranking of the best teams in Europe, with our dearly beloved Three Lions only coming in in 18th place, one spot behind Ukrainian side Shakhtar Donetsk, The top 20 is as follows:

1. Real Madrid                                                        11. Borussia Dortmund

2. Barcelona                                                           12. Arsenal

3. Manchester United                                             13. AC Milan

4. Spain                                                                  14. Atletico Madrid

5. Manchester City                                                 15. Benfica

6. Bayern Munich                                                   16. Italy

7. Chelsea                                                              17. Shakhtar Donetsk

8. Netherlands                                                        18. England

9. FC Porto                                                             19. Valencia

10. Germany                                                           20. Ajax.

You can see more results here.

So what does all this statistical tomfoolery tell us? Well, in my opinion, absolutely nothing. Although from England’s point of view, coming behind only Spain, Netherlands, Germany and Italy amongst national teams is a pretty decent result, no?

                          

In which Russian veteran Vadim Evseev is subbed off after an hour of his final game before retirement (a testimonial that saw his Russian XI play a ‘World XI’ featuring the likes of Roberto Carlos, Valery Karpin and Sergei Rebrov) to be replaced by the eight-year old son of a local businessman – who duly tears up the World XI defence, racing through on goal, evading challenge after despairing challenge before rolling the ball home to pull one back for Evseev’s side…

Awwwwzilla!

(Thanks to Pies fan @wonky_donky for the pointer!)

                          

By Chris Wright

A few photos of the England mob being put through their paces by Roy Hodgson and Gary Neville in the blazing Manchester sunshine ahead of Saturday’s pre-Euro 2012 friendly against Norway at the Ullevaal Stadion in Oslo…

Photos: PA

                          

By Chris Wright

We’ve already seen several sides hemorrhaging players over the past week or so, with the likes of Bolton and Sunderland parting company with 22 players between them, while poor old Macclesfield Town even went as far as releasing 21 players from a squad of just 33 on Monday following their relegation from the Football League.

We thought we’d have a quick look at some of the players going on freebies this summer and pick out ten of the best – though, with the sheer amount of contracts being allowed to peter out, you could by rights kit out an entire, perfectly serviceable Premier League squad for next to zip this summer (we know it says ‘Top 10′ on the tin, but these aren’t really in any particular order)…

1. Craig Gordon: Sunderland were never likely to get their money’s worth from Gordon, largely because they paid so bloody much for him – spunking a then-record £9 million on the Scottish ‘keeper back in 2007 – but his time on Wearside has been largely underwhelming thanks to near-constant injury and lapses in form. He’s a decent goalie mind you, and would be worth a free flutter if his wage demands aren’t still astronomical.

Likely suitors: We’ve got a funny feeling that West Ham may come a-callin’.

2. Alessandro Del Piero: Oh how we desperately want to see Del Piero given one last whirl in the Premier League. The obvious drawbacks include him being older than most Sequoias and only good for about 2o or so bit-part appearances, but the pros include him being Ale-bloody-ssandro Del Pi-sodding-ero.

Likely suitors: Arsenal have been mentioned in passing, but the exorbitant £0 fee may prove a stumbling block. Maybe ‘Arry’s chairman can do a deal?

3. Michael Owen: Unwilling to besmirch his CV by mixing with the smelly, typhoid-riddled proles in mid-table, it’s difficult to envisage where Owen is going to wash up next – what him suffering from rather prohibitive delusions of grandeur and all. It all comes down to that age-old paradox again: He definitely is still worth a gamble BUT that gamble is almost certain to backfire miserably. What’s a gal to do?

Likely suitors: Damned if we know. He’ll be holding out for someone like Tottenham but, let’s face it, he hasn’t got a prayer. The world’s moved on, it isn’t 2002 any more. How about a move back to Newcastle? They bloody love him up at St James’.

4. Carlos Cuellar: Pies have been fans of the retainer-wearing Spanish centre-half since his Rangers days, impressed early on by his positional sense, aerial fortitude and penchant for the flying last-ditch block. Also able to fill in at right back (though he’s definitely better off in the centre) as he did do in most of his Villa run-outs, Cuellar could definitely provide a reliable service for a side hovering around the upper middle of the table.

Likely suitors: Sunderland are said to have already been in contact with a deal looking ‘imminent’ though he’s a far better player than Seb Squillaci *nudge nudge, wink wink* for instance.

5. Didier Drogba: Having left Chelsea in just about the most heroic of circumstances, 34-year old Drogba seems almost certain to now make that lucrative last move to China or the UAE to play out his days in less demanding climes – though there is a sneaking possibility that he may be tempted by one more year in mainstream football, though he probably won’t be staying in the Premier League out of courtesy. He’s certainly still got the chops for it (on a pared-down basis), even if the knees are beginning to creak like a rusty Penny Farthing.

Likely suitors: Barcelona and Real Madrid are now both rumoured to be giving it the once over, but £450,000-a-week in Qatari fun money may prove too tempting to turn down.

6. Gennaro Gattuso: One of the many veterans (five players with a combined age of 179!) cast adrift by Milan at the end of the Serie A season, there are tentative whispers on the wind that a couple of Premier League clubs are drafting up one-year deals for Rino. Intriguing. In his heyday, Gattuso routinely gave opponent’s migraines with his subtle blend of niggling gobshitery. Worth a punt on a free? Yeah, perhaps – though we choose to refrain from being any more committal than that.

Likely suitors: Lazio are apparently favourites, though QPR are said to be sniffing around. However, surely a reunion with old chum Joe Jordan at Tottenham would be the more entertaining option?

7. Ivan Klasnic: It seems to have gone unheralded but Klasnic was Bolton’s top scorer last season. Fair enough, he only managed eight Premier League goals and nine in toal, but he hardly started a game after November-ish. Sharp in the box, the Croatian clearly ‘knows where the goal is’ and that’s the kind of thing that top flight managers tend to appreciate.

Likely suitors: Call us daft Ethels if you must, but we reckon Stoke will ‘ay a go.

8. Salomon Kalou: We’re not ones to usually default to this particular line of thinking, but either we’re missing something entirely or Kalou is actually one of the rare breed of players that properly convince us we could’ve been professionals were it not for all those damn Ginsters. He just doesn’t seem to very proficient in any capacity bar being able to run quite fast for extended periods, yet still manages to come out with 15 goals at the end of the season. Our utter confusion aside, expect Kalou to turn up somewhere bafflingly illustrious come August.

Likely suitors: AC Milan are known to be interested, as are Arsenal.

9. Brad Guzan: Good, solid, dependable goalkeeper who’s hardly had the chance to show it at Villa thanks to an unfortunate string of slightly more gooder, solider, dependabler first-choices being ahead of him in the pecking order during his four years in the West Midlands. Only 27 and definitely worthy of a ‘No. 1′ spot somewhere.

Likely suitors: QPR again. Call it a premonition.

10. Michael Essien: Arguably the most surprising name on Chelsea’s list of summer flotsam (though it’s not quite 100% confirmed as of yet), these days Essien is liable to break at any moment and is a shadow of the domineering midfielder he once was. His legs have pretty much gone, which is a bit of a bind for a former tyrannical all-action whirligig – but surely there’ll be plenty of clubs lined up to offer him future employment.

Likely suitors: Dare we venture to suggest Manchester United? Yes, we dare.

Notable mentions: Nicky Shorey, Jose Bosingwa, Florent Malouda, Paulo Ferreira, Abdoulaye Faye, Peter Lovenkrands, Gai Assulin, Owen Hargreaves, Maynor Figueroa, James McFadden, Emile Heskey (the joke being that Heskey was so upset at being released by Villa that he went on a shooting spree in Birmingham. No one was hurt.)

 Any other ‘worth a punt’ freebies you’ve got your eyes on this summer Pies fans?

                          

Bayern Munich have just opened their snazzy new ‘FC Bayern Erlebniswelt’ (‘The Bayern Munich Experience) museum at the Allianz Arena for the first time, which has over 400 exhibits representing the entire history of the club – including vintage tickets, matchballs, a scale cutaway model of the stadium, replicas of every trophy the club have ever won and this corking display of every shirt the club has ever worn in one huge glass case (click thumb for brilliant full-size image)…

Photos: PA

                          

By Chris Wright

‘Tis King Eric’s 49th birthday today, so we thought we’d celebrate by revisiting his finest hour; his appearance on live French debate show Coté Tribune back in  2001 – in which, while under questioning about his infamous kung-fu assault at Selhurst Park, Cantona takes flight after being riled by a journalist describing said incident as ‘unforgivable’, a rant which ultimately sees him vowing to do the Pope an extreme urinary disservice then promising every journalist in the land the same treatment…

(Warning: there’s a bit of choice language in the subtitles)

We know the subtitles say otherwise, but Pies’ keen grasp of French expletives leads us to believe that Cantona actually says ‘I piss in his/their ass.’ What a guy. Happy Birthday Eric, you raging, mono-browed vortex of eloquent madness.

Do you know what? The Pope really did wear a rolex.

                          

By Chris Wright

We have it on fairly good authority that these are the shirts that Manchester City are going to set about defending their Premier League title in next season – the home strip being predominantly two-tone, in sky blue (though a duller shade than previous) and black while the vintage-style away strip is burgundy in a nod to the shirt worn by City in the 1956 FA Cup Final and sadly not the classy maroon affair from 1989/90…

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 2

Man City 2012/13 Home Shirt - Leaked Photo

Yep, we like. We’re not overly blown away by them, but it looks like City have got themselves a pair of fairly classy (if a little plain) shirts to play in next season – which is more than you can say for the poor sods over at Barcelona.

It’s a solid 6/10 from Pies. What’s the verdict folks?

Images: ManCity.fr

                          

Nothing ‘John Terry’ about this whatsoever: Wojciech Szczesny mucking around with a few kick-ups before a Poland training session, then clipping a sweet rabona shot in off the far post…

Not bad, not bad at all. Definitely better than this muppet.

Video: 101GG

                          

By Alan Duffy

Man City’s Micah Richards has been overlooked by new England boss Roy Hodgson for England’s upcoming Norway friendly, with Liverpool man Martin Kelly getting a surprise call-up instead.

It seems that Richards was none too pleased to firstly be excluded from Hodgson’s 23-man squad for Euro 2012 and then to learn that, while Hodgson had phoned the other players on the stand-by list, he hadn’t called the City star.  Richards subsequently turned down the stand-by place, a move which obviously didn’t impress the Three Lions boss.

Richards has a history of throwing his toys out of the pram, but whatever you think of Hodgson’s original decision not to include the full-back in the England squad, fair play to him for standing firm.

As for Martin Kelly, good luck to him. Although as an Irishman myself, I was hoping that, with a name like ‘Kelly’, the youngster would pull a granny or two out of the bag and opt for the Boys In Green!