Total Film Daily Doses

10 British Legends For Hogwarts

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:18:00 GMT

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince hits screens this month, as usual it's packed to the rafters with British acting talent - but there are several legends we feel have been overlooked.

With filming underway on the final two-part installment, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - and the occasional bit of good news coming from the set - we thought we'd make a few casting suggestions.

Join us for a look at the ten British legends we want to see in Potter... and pray somebody is paying attention...

Best & Worst: Kevin Smith

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:17:40 GMT

With his trademark slacker yakking, unashamed underdog championing and stream of Star Wars references Kevin Smith has probably amassed enough geek goodwill to last him a lifetime.

But his scattergun 15-year career has also contained some credulity-twanging moments sturdy enough to test even the hardiest Clerks-loving fanboy’s resolve.

His latest movie A Couple Of Dicks is going casting crazy, so we've decided to brave giant poop monsters, donkey shows and stink palm pretzels to guide you through Kev’s greatest hits and occasional misses.

Best & Worst: Speech

The Best: Silent Bob Speaks

Film: Chasing Amy (1997)

Why It Rocks: It wasn’t the first or last time monged out mute Silent Bob (Kevin Smith, plus unconvincing wig) would poignantly break his silence in a ViewAskewniverse film.

But the sage-like wisdom in this sombre speech about love and loss is both unexpected and terrific. Plus he handily explains the movie’s head-scratchy title ("So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy... so to speak."). Snooch.

The Worst: Let’s Make A Porno

Film: Erm, Zak And Miri Make A Porno (2008)

Why It Sucks: The eye-rollingly unrealistic central conceit that hard-up buddies Zack and Miri would decide to make a skin flick was probably what ultimately sank Kev’s tepidly received last movie.

Despite game delivery from Seth Rogen (“Porn has gone mainstream now, it’s like Coca-Cola or Pepsi. With dicks in it!”) this speech is the flimsy foundation that eventually brings the whole thing crashing down.

Next: Insult

Best & Worst: Insult

The Best: LOTR vs Star Wars

Film: Clerks II (2006)

Why It Rocks: Kevin Smith hands Peter Jackson’s middle earth amblers a beat-down. How? In the form of Star Wars acolyte Randal’s (Jeff Anderson) withering description of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy as “just a bunch of walkin’”.

Cue threats from the Tolkien head to “kick his ass back to the Shire” and spew all over the Mooby’s floor.

The Worst: The Giant Poop Monster

Film: Dogma (1999)

Why It Sucks: Not technically an onscreen swipe but an insult to moviegoers everywhere. Convoluted Catholic loopholes, demonic hockey players and fallen angels we’ll take.

But a steaming pile of crap presenting itself as a fearsome monster? Sorry Kev, we’re going to have to flush this one.

Next: Sentimental Scene

Best & Worst: Sentimental Scene

The Best: Randal’s Jail Rant

Film: Clerks II (2006)

Why It Rocks: After an “interspecies sex show” lands them in the slammer Randal lets rip at best pal Dante (Brian O’Halloran) but soon suggests they buy the singed Quick Stop to reopen it and confesses his strictly (hetero) undying love for him.

Aww. See? It’s not all knob jokes, sweary dialogue and scatological humour. We could have also plumped for the scene where father-to-be Dante spots a sweet gap-toothed girl from his car (she’s played by Smith’s daughter Harley fact fans!)

The Worst: All 102 Minutes Of Jersey Girl

Film: Jersey Girl (2004)

Why It Sucks: It might have been unfairly affected by the Hollywood clusterbomb that was “Bennifer” but Kevin’s brief foray into mainstream family flicks was unwise.

The cinematic equivalent of mainlining treacle this clunker had all the hallmarks of the gloopy rom-com. Overwrought tragedy? Check. Cutesy kid? Check. Ben Affleck in furrow-browed lunk mode? Double-check.

Next: Jay And Silent Bob

Best & Worst: Jay And Silent Bob Scene

The Best: Beserker!

Film: Clerks (1994)

Why It Rocks: It’s got everything. Bob sucking a smoke silently in the background. Jay yammering on like a kid who thought speed was sherbet in the foreground. A near-constant stream of swears. Really, all that’s missing is a nooch.

The mushroom-haired Russian may get the main yucks, but it’s Jay and Bob who command the screen; Jay’s awkward charisma is never overshadowed.

Scenes with simple originality and charm like this were sorely missed by the time the bloated Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back rolled around…

The Worst: The Diamond Heist

Film: Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

Why It Sucks: The dope-slinging duo encounter a catsuit-clad girl gang – featuring Ali Larter from Heroes, Eliza Dushku, Shannon Elizabeth and Smith’s wife Jennifer Schwalbach-Smith.

Next thing our heroes are being framed for a preposterously acrobatic diamond heist that ends with Chrissy (Ali Larter) setting off the alarm with a loud fart. A stinker, in every sense of the word.

Next: Sex Act

Best & Worst: Sex Act

The Best: Caitlin And The Dead Guy

Film: Clerks (1994)

Why It Rocks: Necrophilia’s hardly your go-to tittersome subject so it was either boldness or insanity that prompted Kevin Smith to plunder it for comedy in his debut film, monochrome masterpiece Clerks.

Dante’s conniving ex girlfriend Caitlin wanders into a darkened toilet, mistakes a dead old guy for Dante and the rest is sick cinematic history.

The Worst: Laxative Lovin’

Film: Zack And Miri Make A Porno (2008)

Why It Sucks: The fusty types at the MPAA unsurprisingly had a problem with some of the more graphic sex scenes in Kevin’s porno.

An 11th hour edit saved it from the box office hex of an NC-17 rating. Christ knows how the sick-making scene where Stacey (real porn star Katie Morgan) is, ahem, cured of her constipation while squatting over cameraman Deacon’s face. Yeuch!

Next: Cameo

Best & Worst: Cameo

The Best: Alanis Morisette is God

Film: Dogma (1999)

Why It Rocks: No wonder he received death threats for his iconoclastic move into big-budget movies. Kevin Smith popped the blasphemous cherry atop his Catholic-baiting cake by casting rock singer Alanis Morisette as the Lord Almighty.

This annoyed hard-line religious type and people still smarting over the inaccuracies in the song Ironic in equal measure.

The Worst: Mark Hammill As The Cock-Knocker

Film: Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

Why It Sucks: Oh, the shame. Did he really need the cash that much? Kevin casts one of his heroes Mark Hamill as himself/campy baddie the Cock-Knocker for Strike Back’s climactic fight scene.

Yep, that’s Luke blimmin’ Skywalker sporting an oversized fist, blue eye make-up and a manky Manga wig. The Force is not strong in this one.

Next: Ben Affleck Moment

Best & Worst: Ben Affleck Moment

The Best: Holden’s love confession

Film: Chasing Amy (1997)

Why It Rocks: Kevin Smith undoubtedly turned his buddy Ben Affleck into the blazing Hollywood star he is/was.

And this scene where Holden sweetly professes his love for lesbian friend Alyssa (Joey Lauren Adams) in a rain-soaked car displays the likeable leading man chops that would lead to starring roles in Good Will Hunting, Armageddon and, erm, Daredevil.

The Worst: Shannon’s pervy plan

Film: Mallrats (1995)

Why It Sucks: It’s not that Affleck isn’t convincing as Shannon – the greaseball shop clerk from snooty clothes shop Fashionable Male, intent on having sex with Rene (Shannen Doherty) “in a very uncomfortable place”.

It’s almost that he’s too convincing. The pomaded, Farrah slack-wearing perv is one of Affleck’s most unlikeable characters to date. No mean feat for a man that was in Gigli.

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7 Respected Directors Who Did Horror

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:17:16 GMT

Shane Meadows has confirmed that his next project will be a horror movie.

While he came close with Dead Man's Shoes, it's his first solid stab at the genre.

And he's definitely not the first director to surprise us by getting into the horror business.

Here are a few helmers who ventured into a genre that got no respect at the time...

Stanley Kubrick

The Reputation: Having built up an impressive roster across various genres, including historical (Spartacus), black comedy (Dr Strangelove) and science fiction (2001), Kubrick had cemented his rep for intelligent, verging on highbrow stylised film.

Originally known for stark realism, he moved via Lolita into more of a surreal feel that would dominate later movies.

The Horror Flick: The Shining (1980)

Adapted from Steven King’s novel, it finds writer Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) and his family headed to the isolated Overlook Hotel for a winter stay, only to have paranormal forces turn Jack into an axe-wielding loon.

The Signature Move: Aside from his now legendary perfectionism (more than a hundred takes on one shot), the film bears out his obsession with long parallel walls.

It also has what Roger Ebert describes as The Kubrick Stare, with a character – in this case Torrance – staring into camera as he goes mad, with his head down and his eyes looking up.

The Critical Response: It was a critical flop but a commercial success.

Among its detractors was King, who said the director was: “A man who thinks too much and feels too little.”

Variety slated it, saying, “With everything to work with, director Stanley Kubrick has teamed with jumpy Jack Nicholson to destroy all that was so terrifying about Stephen King's bestseller.”

Next: Hitchcock

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Alfred Hitchcock

The Reputation: Pre-Psycho, there were indications that Hitchcock would turn to full-on horror/thriller as he’d slowly been becoming the master of suspense.

He already had the likes of The 39 Steps, The Lady Vanishes, Suspicion, Rope, Strangers On A Train, Dial M For Murder and Rear Window until his belt.

Unlike many of his peers, it was surely just a matter of time…

The Horror Flick: Psycho (1960)

Seizing on Robert Bloch’s novel as a way to regain his thriler crown and shove boundaries, Hitchcock is largely faithful in his adaptation, focusing on Marion Crane (Janet Leigh), a young woman who steals $40,000 from one of her employers and ends up at the Bates Motel.

Where, it just so happens that a certain mother-obsessed psychopath (Anthony Perkins’ Norman Bates) kills her.

The Signature Move: Crane’s early bath (or should that be shower?) is a trademark Hitchcock note – his female leads often get offed early in proceedings.

And it also continues two recurring motifs – murders that shatter lives and the director himself in a cameo.

The Critical Response: Mixed. The New York Times sniffed that it: "Comes at you with a club in this frankly intended bloodcurdler" and moaned that the "denouement falls quite flat for us.”

Variety was much more positive: “An unusual, good entertainment, indelibly Hitchcock, and on the right kind of box office beam.”

The rest, as the cliché runs, is history: Psycho was a sensation and is now one of the most recognisable, parodied and referenced movies ever made.

Next: Coppola

Francis Ford Coppola

The Reputation: While he got his start with the schlocky likes of Roger Corman’s Dementia 13, Coppola had forged ahead with a career that included Finian’s Rainbow, The Conversation and the Godfather movies.

He was largely seen more as a dramatic director, though his mob pics and Apocalypse Now had their own share of horrors.

The Horror Flick: Dracula (1992)

Coppola takes the plunge fully back into horror with this adaptation of Bram Stoker’s legendary vampire tale.

Gary Oldman is the immortal fang club member with a wooden Keanu Reeves as Jonathan Harker, Winona Ryder pouting away as Mina and Anthony Hopkins chewing scenery as Van Helsing.

The Signature Move: It’s mostly in the style and look of the film – Coppola likes warm colours in his period films and Dracula is no different.

And it also continues his love for more practical effects – albeit blended with hi-tec work.

The Critical Response: It differs – while Oldman’s turn as Dracula was largely praised, the movie was slated for some of its cheesier moments.

“After a while, the movie collapses into the usual hugger-mugger about garlic, fang marks, and, of course, a fellow named Van Helsing (Anthony Hopkins), who knows everything about killing bloodsuckers,” said Entertainment Weekly.

Still, it made enough money to help Coppola save his vineyard.

Next: Friedkin

William Friedkin

The Reputation: Friedkin was much more known for his dramatic/thriller work – The French Connection, The Boys In The Band and comedy The Night They Raided Minsky’s.

Friedkin wasn’t exactly the studio’s first choice for his horror outing either – the likes of Stanley Kubrick, Mike Nichols and peter Bogdanovich passed before Friedkin was offered the job.

The Horror Flick: The Exorcist (1973)

Poor Regan McNeil (Linda Blair) has a bigger problem than worrying about puberty – she’s been possessed by a demon.

Two priests (played by Jason Miller and Max von Sydow) are brought in to exorcise her, but the supernatural entity doesn’t give up without a violent, vomit-stained fight.

The Signature Move: Friedkin’s early work in documentaries carried over into movies like The French Connection and The Exorcist is no different – it’s a jagged, in-your-face experience, which seems to suit the based-on-an-allegedly-true-story background for the movie.

The Critical Response: Reviews were mixed. The New Republic Gushed: “This is the most scary film I’ve seen in years — the only scary film I’ve seen in years.”

But the New York Times had a different opinion: “A chunk of elegant occultist claptrap. A practically impossible film to sit through… It establishes a new low for grotesque special effects...”

It ended up the second most popular film of the year.

Next: Siegel

Don Siegel

The Reputation: Starting his career as a montage creator, he ended up working with Elvis, Lee Marvin and most notably Clint Eastwood, among others.

Siegel specialised in war films, Westerns and dramas (including The Big Steal) and later in his career, he’d go on to make Dirty Harry.

But 1956 saw him take a detour into sci-fi horror and launch an endlessly remade story…

The Horror Flick: Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1956)

Snatchers tackles the story of a small California town that is overrun by duplicates of the residents grown from pods.

Local doctor Miles Bennell (Kevin McCarthy) initially thinks his patients are suffering from mass hysteria, but he quickly realises that their claims of loved ones replaced by imposters are all too true…

The Signature Move: It’s less how the camera moves and more how the director works – with a background in shorts and second unit, he’d learned how to shoot fast and cheap.

Plus, his experience creating montages meant that set pieces were edited and shot beautifully.

The Critical Response: Variety was generally enthusiastic, though had some doubts: “This tense, offbeat piece of science-fiction is occasionally difficult to follow due to the strangeness of its scientific premise. Action nevertheless is increasingly exciting.”

Body Snatchers was generally well received and in later years has been hailed as a classic of the sci-fi horror genre.

Next: De Palma

Brian De Palma

The Reputation: These days, we know him as a director of all genres – though he does tend to enjoy thrillers and dramas more than other movies.

But back in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s, he was better known as a comedy director (particularly after 1969’s The Wedding Party).

The Horror Flick: Sisters (1973)/Carrie (1976)

Carrie is, of course, the much more famous entry on De Palma’s horror resume, with the chilling tale of a mousy young girl (Sissy Spacek) pushed too far on prom night, who uses her burgeoning psychic powers to strike back at the school bullies.

Sisters, which sees Margot Kidder playing twins, is the tale of two siblings separated after years of living together – and the terrifying consequences for everyone around them.

The Signature Move: De Palma's movies are usually packed full of symbolism, and layered visual style, and in Carrie it's unusually overt - blood, anyone?

He's also known for his homaging of other directors - Hitchcock is all over both Sisters and Carrie.

The Critical Response: Sisters had a mixed reaction – Roger Ebert, though, seemed taken with it. “The movie works not so much because of the twists and turns and complications as because of the performances.”

But it’s largely been seen as a B-Movie.

Carrie, on the other hand was a sensation, grabbing massively positive reviews, with New West magazine proclaiming: “It's a horror classic, and years from now it will still be written and argued about, and it will still be scaring the daylights out of new generations of moviegoers.”

Next: Kenneth Branagh

Kenneth Branagh

The Reputation: Shakespeare, Shakespeare, thriller, comedy drama, Shakespeare… Horror.

The man who raised the Bard’s screen potential indicated he might want to do something a little more horrific when he directed Dead Again.

But then he latched on to another classic writer and set out to make a proper fright film…

The Horror Flick: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (1994)

You know the story: a scientist (Branagh) obsessed with battling death after losing his mother creates a creature from dead body parts and brings it to life.

Robert De Niro is the creature. There is screaming.

Signature Move: Aside from casting himself in plum roles, you mean? (He’s a good actor, so it’s allowed, though critics weren’t kind to him on this one).

He mostly opts for a stark, well, designed look for his movies and Frankenstein is no different.

The Critical Response: Um… Not so good.

“Kenneth Branagh has indeed created a monster, but not the kind he originally envisioned. A major disappointment creatively, the film still has the makings of a box office brute,” said Variety.

And they were right on both counts – the film went on to make a profit, though not a huge one.

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7 Movie Moments To Cool You Down

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:28:15 GMT

It’s the first week of July and temperatures are soaring, making the days hotter than a Megan Fox close-up.

Looking for relief (from the heat, not Megan Fox) we have compiled a list of the frostiest movie moments, with tips on how they might help cool you down.

So join us for a sub-zero countdown set to put this horrendous heat on ice…

Cold Gun Fun

The Film: Batman & Robin (1999)

The Cold Moment: CHILL! There’s a heat-wave in Gotham, and Mr. Freeze has the cure, but stopping him spreading the ice-based love are the pesky caped-types, Bat-Clooney and The Boy O’Donnell.

PHEW! While the dynamic duo sweat it out in heavy rubber suits, Mr. Freeze has no problems staying cool – his whole body constantly refrigerated by a special suit (imagine the bliss).

SWOOP! The pair perform a series of highly unnecessary set-pieces, which, given the heat, just make it look like they’re showing off. They seriously need to chill out.

ZAP! Mr. Freeze, sensing that Robin must be ever so hot in all that black rubber, hits him with a blast from his ‘Cold Gun’, instantly turning the hot-headed youth into a glorious popsicle.

BOO! Bats jealous of Robin’s new cooler outlook, declines to give chase, opting instead to take home his new frozen companion and defrost him. Boo indeed.

How To Recreate It: We all remember the classic super-soaker, joy bringer of our youth, able to tag your foes from fifty paces? How it laughed in the face of the regular water pistol.

Fill one with icy H2O from the office water cooler, and commit a little super-soaker hari-kari at your desk, several times an hour.

Next: Ice Planet Ecstasy

Ice Planet Ecstasy

The Film: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

The Cold Moment: The film opens on the Ice Planet Hoth, the best planet ever invented, with Luke Skywalker out on patrol during an awesome blizzard.

Apparently, in order to lay low from the heat of the Empire, the rebels chose the most remote place they could find in hope of avoiding detection.

The real truth is that the Rebel Alliance was sick to the back teeth of stifling heat waves, and set out on the most holy of pilgrimages for the promised land.

Skywalker is minding his own business, understandably enjoying the blizzard, the experience like all his Christmases rolled into one (our words, not his).

Unfortunately, a Wampa tries to kill him in the face, dragging him out of his beloved sub-zero weather and into a considerably warmer cave.

His face all shades of ugly, Luke manages to free himself from his predicament with a little lightsaber love and sets off on his Hothian steed, a Tauntaun, back into the fun-filled snow storm.

The ecstasy-inducing conditions are two much for the indigenous creature, and it collapses and dies of sheer joy, leaving Luke to enjoy it all by himself.

Arriving to spoil the party is Han Solo, who finds young Skywalker passed out, overcome by the terrific sensation of being covered in snow.

He cuts open the stomach of the Tauntaun and throws Luke inside, using the still warm body to heat Luke back up to a wholly uncomfortable temperature.

Never did trust that Han Solo fellow. He shot first, you know.

How To Recreate It: Take advantage of the summer savings down at Iceland by buying up a shipment of frozen peas, and turning your living room into a pea palace.

With bags of peas piled high to form furniture and bags of peas covering the floor, you’ll need to turn up your brand new A/C unit to 11, and sit back and enjoy the tennis, on your bags-of-peas mounted flat screen TV.

Next: Snow Bathing

Snow Bathing

The Film: The Thing (1982)

The Cold Moment: In order to escape the unbearable temperatures the other six continents have to offer, a crew of scientists head down to Antarctica for a little respite.

Once there, the quite fantastic sounding blizzards, hailstorms and icy winds create just the kind of environment a man needs to escape a heatwave.

Annoyingly, this heavenly eden is shattered by a shape-shifting alien, which moves among the crew, wreaking havoc on their snowman building contest.

In the end though, a thoroughly miffed MacCready (Kurt Russel) reigns on the thing’s parade with flamethrower-based fury.

With his foe presumably dead, MacCready heads out into the great white wilderness, most likely for a spot of snow bathing - similar to sunbathing, except infinitely more awesome.

How To Recreate It: Get a job at your local supermarket, where they will have a huge refrigerated cold room in the back.

Sure people will laugh when you turn up to work in full extreme-weather duds, but once you lock yourself in the giant freezer, you’ll be able to spend all day away from the hostile conditions outside.

You also won’t really care about being fired, which tends to happen when you disappear on shift.

Next: Ice Fortress Hideout

Ice Fortress Hideout

The Film: Superman (1978)

The Cold Moment: The Big Blue Boy Scout is no fool, and when things heat up, the Man of Steel cools down by heading to his Fortress of Solitude.

In a stroke of absolute genius that makes Batman look like an imbecile, Supes has gone and put his secret hideaway in the Arctic – underground caves are for heat wave loving losers.

Superman ended up destroying the fortress after Lex Luther and a bunch of other folks learned of it's location, making it less of the solitude, more of the everyone-itude. Thankfully he turns back time, the cheeky bugger, and gets his Ice Lair back.

Made completely out of a Kryptonian crystal, the Fortress lies hidden amongst the vast Arctic expanse, and contains all Kal-El’s important things; links to his Kryptonian heritage, souvenirs from defeated foes, beer.

We like to think Superman uses it like his version of a mini-fridge, where after a long day at the office, he retires to crack open a cold one, and watch the tennis in a far more reasonable climate.

How To Recreate It: Use one of the stationary cupboards as a storage room for those snap ice-packs you get in first aid kits, and retire there for ice-based relief whenever necessary - tell no one!

Next: Ice 'Prison' Vacation

Ice 'Prison' Vacation

The Film: Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)

The Cold Moment: Kirk and Bones are accused of assassinating a Klingon diplomat, and sentenced to life’s hard labour in the dilithium mines of ice planet Rura Penthe. Some people get all the luck.

With its supposedly harsh conditions, the frozen planet sounds like a bloody holiday to us. We’d much rather do a week of mining in that paradise, than spend another day in this God-forsaken office, with all its pesky warmth.

Not content with living in sub-zero luxury, the mental pair attempt escape. For some reason they want to get back to Earth – silly boys, everyone knows Earth is baking hot.

Their escape attempt fails, but just as they are coming around to the idea that staying on that awesomely cold planet is the best idea all round, Spock goes and turns up and ruins it by ‘rescuing’ them. Pointy-eared prick.

How To Recreate It: As the planet is named after a Siberian penal colony in War & Peace, forget about your hols to Cleethorpes this summer and fly one way straight to the desolate Russian region.

It's a wonder more people don't live there, with all their snow and ice the place is clearly on to something.

Next: Frozen River Love-In

Frozen River Love-In

The Film: Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind (2004)

The Cold Moment: In a highly romantic scene, on/off lovers (we think) Joel and Clementine cool their steamy passion by lying on the frozen river Charles in Massachusetts.

In all honesty we aren’t sure if they are together at this point, whether they’ve had their minds erased yet, or if we really like Kirsten Dunst, but we do know this;

Joel and Clementine are laughing at you.

Look at them, frolicking on that vast expanse of ice, its frosty caress embracing their being, ensuring they don’t come close to perspiring.

And they have the nerve to just lie there, chatting, cooler than a snowman’s cold bits, happy as polar bears in snow. It’s enough to make you sick.

They don’t have to suffer offices acting like damn greenhouses and melting their souls, oh no, not them. Those bastards.

Thankfully the film ends with the pair completely miserable. We think.

How To Recreate It: Find the nearest Ice Rink, strip to your essentials, and lie on the glorious, glorious ice.

Note: Remain vigilant about certain appendages when people skate by.

Next: Ice Cube Foreplay

Ice Cube Foreplay

The Film: Do The Right Thing (1989)

The Cold Moment: It’s summer in Noo Yawk. It’s muggy, close and unbearably hot – a situation with which, strangely enough, we completely sympathise.

Mookie (Spike Lee), in his infinite wisdom, is after a bit of a rug shuffle with the smoking hot Tina (Rosie Perez), who wants none of what he’s offering.

In the greatest stroke of genius since the walk-in freezer, Mookie relieves Tina of her stuffy, restrictive clothing, and make a quick trip to the freezer.

Returning with two trays of ice, he tells a protesting Tina to lie down on the bed, before slowly tracing melting ice-cubes over every inch of her sizzling flesh.

The ice melts almost instantly on contact, the cold, cold water spreading its sweet, sweet relief as Mookie moves it across here forhead, arms, legs, and finally nipples.

By the time he’s finished, Tina has not only stopped complaining, but she’s hotter for Mookie than a Noo Yawk summer – and we’ve never wanted an ice tray on hand more.

Damn Spike Lee. He isn’t just teasing Tina in that scene, oh no, he’s teasing us.

How To Recreate It: Take a cooler filled with ice cubes on your next tube journey.

When it gets a little hot for comfort, simply break out a cube and go to work on your nipples.

Be prepared for funny looks from the rest of the passengers... though it may just be envy.

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Songs That Could Be Movies: Blur

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:27:27 GMT

We've got a feeling that one day, Hollywood will run out of books, comics and other films to adapt, and they'll turn to music, weaving movie trilogies from three-minute pop songs.

We've already decided which David Bowie tracks could be movies.

Now we've turned our attention to Blur, fresh from their Glastonbury triumph, as they prepare to bring Britpop back to Hyde Park.

And if there are any studio executives in the audience tonight, making notes, we claim copyright on the following pitches...

Country House (1995)

Blur's first number-one single. It's rumoured to be about a legendary record executive Damon took a disliking to, but is probably more well known for being the song that put Blur and Oasis on the News At Ten.

The movie will ignore all that.

The Movie:

A sweeping costume drama, following the lives and loves of a group of aristocrats who live in a house, a very big house. In the country.

The central character, Raff, is an Oscar Wilde style wit, who spends all day elaborately insulting his friends.

But despite his confident exterior, Raff is lonely, and longs for companionship.

The Cast:

Stephen Fry as Raff, David Mitchell as Thomas, a young Lord who idolises Raff, but will never, ever be as good as him, no matter how hard he tries.

Sample Dialogue:

Raff: “I'm a professional cynic but my heart's not in it.”

Next: To The End

To The End (1994)

Inspired by Damon Albarn's slowly-declining love affair with Justine Frischmann (a relationship that formed the spine of Blur ballards throughout the band's career) To The End is an epic romance of a song, perfect for a movie pitch.

The Movie:

This exciting French New Wave flick follows a couple of adolescent criminals, Jean-Louis and Christophe, who are on the run from the adults who don’t understand them.

But when the boys bump into teenage temptress Liina on their travels, they both fall in love with her, and their friendship starts to fall apart… leading to an emotional and bloody conclusion.

The Cast:

Only the hottest Gallic talent for this one - Laura Neiva as Liina, Cauã Reymond as Jean-Louis and Robert Pattinson in a beret as Christoph. We’ve got to get bums on seats somehow.

Sample Dialogue:

Christoph: “What happened to us? Soon it will be gone forever!”

Next: No Distance Left To Run

No Distance Left To Run (1999)

If To The End is a song about the slow-death of a relationship, No Distance Left To Run is the post-mortem.

An emotion-wrenching deconstruction of Albarn's depression following his split with Frischmann, No Distance Left To Run is one of the most heart-felt break-up songs ever recorded.

So let's make a sentimental kitchen-sink drama out of it.

The Movie:

Colin Zeal is a retired long distance runner living out his final days in an old people’s home, reminiscing about his glory years.

But when he hears about a local fun run, he decides to take part, much against the wishes of his family and the care workers who look after him.

Will Colin win the race, or, more importantly, will he survive it?

The Cast:

Michael Caine as Colin, Gerard Butler as his angry son, with Judi Dench as the lone nurse who believes in him. Ken Loach directs.

Sample Dialogue:

During an argument with his son, who is ordering his father to not take part in the fun run, Colin calmly says:

Colin: “Please turn your back and walk away.”

Next: Bugman

Bugman (1999)

Damon Albarn has said the Bugman is a paedophile trying to go straight. We'll take him at his word, and give the subject the Hollywood treatment...

The Movie:

When gruesome paedophile Barry Skaargle is murdered and dumped in a swamp by his victims, they think they’re safe…

But when the teenagers start dying one-by-one in insect-related deaths (burnt by a massive magnifying glass, arms pulled off like wings, crushed into paste by huge newspapers), they realise that Skaaargle has returned from the dead. As the Bugman!

The Cast: Hayden Panettiere is the biggest star in this thing.

Sample Dialogue:

The Bugman starts advancing on Jake, muttering under his rancid breath.

Bugman: “I am an ex offender. They let me out in the summer.”

Jake’s girlfriend Karly spots the creature looming up behind Jake, cockroaches and worms falling from his body. She screams.

Karly: “Look out for the Bugman!”

But Jake doesn’t hear her properly.

Jake: “Hang on…”

Karly’s shaking with fear, and tries to warn Jake again.

Karly: “The bu uh uh ug man!”

Next: I'm Just A Killer For Your Love

I’m Just A Killer For Your Love (1997)

Albarn once claimed that this one is about the AIDS crisis, we believe him, but we think we'll go down a different route...

The Movie:

Two serial killers, one male, one female, meet by chance in a bar, and fall in love.

But they’re separated before they can exchange numbers when the police burst in and they both assume they're there to arrest them.

Unable to stop thinking about each other, they separately decide to stage a series of elaborate murders that double as clues to their location.

The male murderer, Dan Abnormal, slaughters groups of people to represent the individual numbers in his mobile number.

So, first he tortures a group of people, but kills none of them (0), then he kills seven people in a diner (7), then eight at a gig (8) and so on.

Daisy Bell, the female killer, decides to murder someone from every address on her road, except hers.

The closing scene sees Dan, holding a bunch of flowers, about to knock on Daisy’s door. As he lifts his fist to knock, his phone rings.

It’s essentially Slumdog Millionaire, with chainsaws.

The Cast:

Vincent Gallo as Dan, Asia Argento as Daisy, with Dario Argento and Richard Curtis co-directing.

Sample Dialogue:

Following his first ever brutal and bloody murder, Dan’s fingers are covered in gore. In a voice-over he says:

Dan: “I wipe my hands on the grass, ‘cause now I know that nothing ever lasts.”

Next: The Universal

The Universal (1995)

Blur's first science-fiction song, The Universal documents a futuristic Britain which is in the grip of the titular drug.

We see no reason to change that high-concept...

The Movie:

Britain. The future. Government officials have made the National Lottery compulsory. It’s also daily.

It’s seen as a good method of distracting the populace from a new drug – the Universal – that is sweeping the streets.

When Universal dealer Jack Tracy meets Rosie Villa in a karaoke bar and tries to sell her the drug, he stumbles on the conspiracy to end all conspiracies.

The Government is making the Universal in a massive lab under Parliament; it’s key ingredient? The blood of the poor.

Lottery winners are invited to Parliament to collect their big cheque, and are never heard from again.

Jack resolves to take down the corrupt officials, whilst trying to deal with the Universal withdrawal symptoms, which make him feel like days are constantly falling through him.

The Cast:

James McAvoy as Jack, Samantha Morton as Rosie the Prime Minister’s daughter, and Phil Daniels as the Prime Minister himself. Terry Gilliam directs this semi-sequel to Brazil.

Sample Dialogue:

Jack: Yes the universal's here, here for everyone.

Rosie: Every paper that you read says tomorrow is your lucky day.

Jack takes out a wrap of Universal from his pocket

Jack: Well, here's your lucky day.

Next: Charmless Man Charmless Man (1995)

Charmless Man was inspired by a visit to Damon Albarn’s nan in Lincolnshire.

He popped into a railway toilet, saw some graffiti and was inspired to write the song, which is about a typical upper middle-class English yob.

The Movie:

Julian is the world’s most unlikeable man. He’s patronising, he has no sense of humour, and even his pheromones stink.

When a team of scientists offer to cure his lack of charm, he falls in love with the head white coat, Sandra, and agrees to take part in their experiments.

At first, their cure doesn’t work, the experiments are a failure and Julian becomes even more repulsive as a result of the disappointment.

But then Sandra agrees to go on a date with Julian and he is forced to improve himself.

Is Sandra falling in love with Julian? Or is it an attempt to keep her grant? A shocking end twist reveals all...

The Cast:

Ricky Gervais at his most David Brent as Julian and Cameron Diaz at her most Mary as Sandra. Michel Gondry directs this kooky and touching tale.

Sample Dialogue:

Sandra: “He moves in circles of friends who just pretend that they like him.”

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If Star Wars Was Real

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 10:47:01 GMT

Ever wanted to use the Force?

Of course you have – we’ve all dreamed of the day when we’ll go all Darth or Luke and move objects with our mind.

Well, now according to the New York Post (via the keen-eyed Jedi minds at Sci Fi Wire) there’s a toy called the Force Trainer (yes, it’s Wars-branded) coming out later in the year that lets you use brain ways to move a ball.

So that makes the Force real. We wondered about other Star Wars icons dragged into our world, and how much fun they might be…

Lightsabers

In Star Wars: The lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi. Elegant, and for a more refined age. “Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster,” as Obi-Wan would have us believe.

Sadly, in the inexperienced hand of Luke, it ends up pretty clumsy – especially when he’s learning to trust his instincts, use the Force and can’t see to fight a shock-blasting training ‘bot.

In Real Life: We can picture the scene right now: Jedi master and President Barack Obama decides he’s had enough of “official language" to reprimand Iran’s leaders over the whole voting scandal.

He hops on Air Force One (which can do the Kessel in about 1,000 years, since it doesn’t actually travel at lightspeed), travels to the country and engages the Ayatollah in man-to-man combat.

It’s a close battle, but Obama is triumphant.

Next: Wookiees

Wookiee

In Star Wars: The iconic Wookiee is, of course, Chewbacca, best mate and co-pilot to Han Solo, who can actually understand what the walking carpet is going on about.

Chewie is also one of the few characters to appear in both trilogies. And he’s just plain cool.

In Real Life: The day little Stewart Budge got bullied was the worst day of his young existence. He ended up hanging from the climbing frame after “Basher” Tompkins and his mates nicked his lunch money.

One night, little Stew happened upon a Wookiee recently escaped from a farm where the creatures are grown for their legendary fur.

Sensing a chance for revenge, the boy and his Wookiee turn the bullies into child-paste, though the unfortunate, ensuing legal issues mean the furry friend has to run away to America, where he becomes Kristen Bell’s new boyfriend (see above).

He later dies, aged 500, of hair cancer.

Next: Mos Eisley Band

Mos Eisley Cantina Band

In Star Wars: Figrin D’an And The Modal Nodes are the group playing in the Mos Eisley Cantina when Luke and Obi-Wan turn up looking for transport.

Led by “Firey” Figrin D’an, they’re only seen briefly, but Star Wars being what it is, their story has spun off many times across the extended universe of books, comics and video games.

In Real Life: D’an and the band cause a sensation when they appear on Britain’s Got Talent.

In true Susan Boyle style, they initially cause alarm and confusion when the weirdly-headed group shows up on stage. Simon Cowell physically retches at the sight.

But once they get to playing, everyone is astonished by their ability and even Cowell stops scraping his eyes out to clap along, later describing them as “utterly amazing”.

Sadly, they end up coming second and are forced to turn to other work, including an unsuccessful pitch for advertising contracts.

Next: X-Wing

X-Wing Fighter

In Star Wars: The Incom T-65 X-Wing Fighter is among the rebels’ greatest weapons.

A swift, manoeuvrable, adaptable little craft, it can travel in both atmospheres and outer space and even boasts a hyperdrive, which you don’t generally see in vehicles this compact.

It doesn’t do very well in swamps, though it is generally waterproof.

In Real Life: Sick and tired of that morning commute? Bored of sitting in traffic? Look like a pillock in Lycra and far too lazy to cycle to work?

The T-65 is the answer to all your prayers!

It can travel around 650mph (faster if you engage the deflector shields to work against drag), blasters for shooting 4X4 wankers for fun and a handy Astromech droid that combines quick repairs with a fully featured navigational system and iPod hook-up.

You might want to make the garage a bit bigger, though. And try not to take off near any neighbourhood pets as a toasted dog often offends.

Next: Wampa

Wampa

In Star Wars: Huge, shaggy and hungry snow-beast, a resident of the planet Hoth who tangles with Luke Skywalker and ends up on the wrong end of his lightsaber.

When, frankly, all he was doing was looking for a handy meal – and Luke was already out later than he should have been. It wasn’t the Wampa’s fault!

In Real Life: For years, crypto zoologists have speculated on the origins of Bigfoot.

One dark night, the truth is revealed: it’s a Wampa! His name is Gerald and it turns out he’s mostly doing it to scare tourists and make some money.

Unfortunately, he ends up captured and sold to a circus, where he’s treated as just another act.

That is, until he goes bug nuts insane, roars something that translates to “you’ve all been so kind” and mauls 15 people in the audience.

Next: Galactic Senate

Galactic Senate

In Star Wars: The central government before the Empire rises.

Comprised of representatives of the various worlds making up the Galactic Republic, the senate was designed as a democratic ruling body to make decisions affecting trade routes and such.

This would work well if it wasn’t stuffed with gormless loons who let Palpatine trick them, slaughter the Jedi and essentially seize control of the galaxy.

In Real Life: Sick of MP scandals and inadequate government, the UK chooses a brand new form of government based entirely on the Wars system.

Plus the Houses of Parliament are torn down to make way for a massive chamber, which can also hold sporting events to raise funds for government programs.

This would’ve worked well if the BNP hadn’t seized power, slaughtered half the police force and installed a drooling fascist loony as Supreme Chancellor.

Next: Threepio

C-3PO

In Star Wars: The overly chatty translator droid can speak over six million languages but lacks the ability to be A) brave or B) subtle.

So he’s extremely useful but utterly annoying. Fortunately, he has an off switch. And can be dismantled if necessary.

In Real Life: Sick of low grades on his German and French GCSE test papers, swotty student Simon Pinkling turns to the life-size Threepio model he just happens to have lying around.

Due to copyright restrictions, he can’t get Anthony Daniels’ voice samples, so he kidnaps Daniels and forces him to learn as many languges as possible.

There’s one small flaw in his otherwise ace plan: Daniels sweats to death in the suit when he’s left in Simon’s mum’s car all day before the first exam.

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Battle Royale: Movie Vs TV Dinosaurs

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 09:58:53 GMT

To celebrate Ice Age 3 evolving into cinemas, we've decided to bring together the biggest and crappest dinosaurs in movie and telly history for a big toothy tussle.

These leathery lunatics can’t wait to snap and gnash their way into fight history, so we’re going to open the massive arena doors and see which dino makes it out of the enormous coliseum without getting made extinct…

Spitting Dinosaur - Jurassic Park (1993)

The Spitting Dinosaur is partially based on the Dilophosaurus, but it’s mostly based on the bit in Raiders Of The Lost Ark when Indy has to dodge a load of darts.

Because, sadly, no real dinosaur has the power to gob out corrosive spittle into fat bloke’s faces, more’s the pity.

Gobbing Score: 10

Fancy Frill Factor: 10

Looking Like A Big Purple Twat Score: 2

Barney The Dinosaur - Barney & Friends (1992)

Famed for his friendly nature and his optimistic attitude, Barney’s hobbies include singing, dancing and hanging around with cheery kids.

He’s got no chance against the venomous fury of the Spitting Dinosaur.

Barney wanders into the woods, looking for his friends, who have abandoned him to go and sit in front of their PS3s.

Barney’s singing a jolly song about the leaves in the trees being just like you and me when the Spitting Dinosaur pops out of nowhere.

“Why, hullo little fella,” Barney says.

The Spitting Dinosaur turns his head to one side.

“Would you like to be my friend?” Barney says.

The Spitting Dinosaur pops out his frill.

“Aren’t you handsome,” Barney says. “Let’s do a dance about being dino buddies!”

The Spitting Dinosaur hocks up some acid and mouth-chucks it into Barney’s mush.

“My eyes! My eyes! Oh dino-Jesus save me, my eyes! My eyes are melting!”

Barney’s eyes turn his purple cheeks gore-pink and Spitting Dinosaur slinks off into the woods, job done.

Gobbing Score: 0

Fancy Frill Factor: 0

Looking Like A Big Purple Twat Score: 10

Next: Rex Vs. Dino

Rex - Toy Story (1995)

Rex is pretty much the most cowardly dinosaur in cinema history.

So insecure that he’s moved to quote Back To The Future at the thought of Andy buying another dinosaur (“I don't think I can take that kind of rejection!”) it’d take a pretty big dino-wimp to lose to Rex.

Size Score: 2

Plastic Power: 8

Idiocy Ranking: 9

Dino - The Flintsones (1960)

Dino is a prehistoric pooch so eager to please that Fred Flintstone has to chuck him out every night, just to get a bit of peace.

But when Fred decides to lock Dino in the toy room instead of sticking him on the front step, all hell breaks loose.

Thinking that his greatest fear has been realised and Andy has indeed bought a new, extremely complex, dino-toy to replace him, Rex finds his courage and decides to tear the stuffing out of it.

He hooks his teeth into Dino’s tummy and tugs hard, realising too late (when he’s covered in slippery Snorkasaurus innards) that his new friend isn’t a toy at all.

Depressed as a result of his murderous actions, Rex hangs himself with Woody’s lasso. He’s still declared the winner of the fight, though.

Size Score: 5

Plastic Power: 0

Idiocy Ranking: 10

Next: Carnosaur Vs. Earl

Carnosaur - Carnosaur (1993)

The psychotic title terror isn’t actually a Carnosaur at all, but a Deinonychus. Which is the sort of attention to detail we respect in dino-fights.

Whatever he is, he enjoys tearing faces from civilians. Oh, and his mum is a woman who was impregnated with a dinosaur egg. Don’t ask…

Human Mum Factor: 10

One-Liner Score: 0

Shirt Collection: 0

Earl Sinclair – Dinosaurs (1991)

Homer Simpson rip-off Earl Sinclair is a boorish, sexist idiot. Like Carnosaur, Earl is able to impregnate women with dinosaur eggs.

Unlike Carnosaur, those eggs lead to annoying children that are partially based on Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson and Joe Pesci.

As for the fight, well, that’s a one-sided affair.

Earls bursts into his habitat bellowing his catchphrase: “Honey, I’m home!”

Unfortunately, he has returned to a scene of carnage.

The Carnosaur is hunched over Earl’s wife Fran, chewing slowly.

Earl looks around and sees his entire family slaughtered.

He will never again hear the catchphrase: “Kick the baby!” He’s secretly pleased about that.

Distracted by the partial good news, Earl doesn’t notice the Carnosaur cornering him.

“Clever boy,” Earl mutters, before the Carnosaur launches at his pendulous stomach.

Human Mum Factor: 0

One-Liner Score: 7

Shirt Collection: 10

Next: Godzilla Vs. Godzooky

Godzilla - Godzilla (1954 - 1998)

Apparently Godzilla is a dinosaur, though we always put him down as a lizard that had been exposed to too much radioactive slime. A bit like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Still, he does have dorsal plates, and the head and body of a T-Rex. At least he did until the 1998 film, but we try not to think about that.

And, anyway, we’re pretty sure those dinosaur guys would have evolved fire-breath eventually.

Allegory Rating: 9

Scrappy Doo Score: 0

Fear Factor: 8

Godzooky - Godzilla (1978)

Introduced as the Scrappy Doo to Godzilla’s Scooby for Hannah Barbera’s cartoon spin-off, Godzooky had the voice of Captain Caveman and the charm and grace of Jar Jar Binks. We hate him.

So there’s only one thing left to do. Call Godzilla.

Godzooky is skidding around on the deck of a boat like a prat (again), and Captain Majors finally snaps, pressing the red button he inexplicably carries in his pocket, summoning Godzilla.

Tired of being tugged out of the ocean to sort out every little problem in Majors’ life, Godzilla torches the boat, taking Godzooky with it. Flawless Victory.

Allegory Rating: 0

Scrappy Doo Score: 10

Fear Factor: 0

Next: Theodore Rex Vs. Denver The Last Dinosaur

Theodore Rex - Theodore Rex (1995)

Theodore Rex probably signalled the exact moment that Hollywood decided to give up on original ideas, turning to sequels and remakes instead.

And if original thought leads to a buddy cop partnership involving Whoopi Goldberg and a talking dinosaur in a vest, maybe remakes are for the best.

Human Traits Score: 10

Unexpectedly Straight-To-Video Factor: 10

Fashion Sense: 3

Denver - Denver The Last Dinosaur (1988)

Denver’s another dino with human traits, but instead of trying to eat criminals, he hangs around with kids and plays the electric guitar.

Theodore wears a vest, Denver wears Wayfarers. They’re both idiots.

In one of the shortest scraps in dino-fight history, Denver is playing air guitar when he bumps into Theodore.

Rex pulls out his piece and shoots Denver in the face. Maybe Theodore isn’t so bad after all.

Human Traits Score: 8

Unexpectedly Straight-To-Video Factor: 0

Fashion Sense: 10

Next: T-Rex Vs. T.Rex

T-Rex - Jurassic Park (1993)

The king of the movie dinosaurs. Steven Spielberg used his time machine to drag a real-life T-Rex into the ‘90s, so he could make it the star of Jurassic Park.

Seriously, it’s the only way to explain that film.

Being A Total Bad-Ass Score: 10

Hit Singles Score: 0

Cross-Dressing Factor: 0

T. Rex - Top Of The Pops (1970)

Unfortunately, Steven asks ET to pilot the time machine, the little chap gets a bit confused and he taps in the wrong co-ordinates on the journey home with his massive finger.

The boys end up in the Top Of The Pops studio while T. Rex are performing their hit single Ride A White Swan.

Feeling peckish, the T-Rex decides to go for a Currie (Steve), chomps down on the soon to be ironically named keyboardist Dino Dines, before having Marc Bolan as an elaborately garnished pud.

Spielberg shoves the Rex back into the time machine, resolving to go back and put history right, when he needs new dinosaurs for Jurassic Park 2.

Unfortunately, the event is televised and creates a butterfly effect that changes the space-time continuum, leading to the events documented in this NSFW video.

Being A Total Bad-Ass Score: 0

Hit Singles Score: 7

Cross-Dressing Factor: 10

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7 Unrealistic Movie Tennis Matches

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 08:01:12 GMT

Wimbledon is heating up, and whether it’s Serena Williams powering through her opponents or Andy Murray slowly roasting under a closed Centre Court roof, it’s inspired us to think of some of the maddest tennis matches ever committed to celluloid…

So join us, won’t you, in Total Film’s cinematic court while we bat around a few lobs thrown by filmmakers over the years.

The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

Players: Richie “The Baumer” Tenenbaum (Luke Wilson) and Sanjay Gandhi (Sanjay Matthew).

Who wins? While we don’t see the final score, the Baumer’s clearly not doing well, losing both previous sets and down in the current one.

His eventual meltdown leads to him retiring permanently from the game and investing himself in his real purpose – lusting after adopted sister Margo (Gwyneth Paltrow).

Fault! At one point, Richie takes off his shoes and one sock, and ends up sitting down on the court. That sort of thing would never pass muster at the All England Club.

The umpire would have shot him for his behaviour. Okay, not shot. But severely reprimanded the man.

Random racquet trivia: The commentators are voiced by Andrew Wilson and director Wes Anderson.

Next: School For Scoundrels

School For Scoundrels (1960)

Players: Raymond (Terry-Thomas) and Henry (Ian Carmichael) square off to win the affection of Alice (Janette Scott).

The men are so proper, they don’t even need to change for tennis – they’re already dressed in white casual clothes.

Who wins? The rotter Raymond thrashes Henry quite spectacularly using a combination of unfair shots, the sun (he has his back to it and it’s in Henry’s eyes) and slimy, smug satisfaction.

Fault! We’re pretty sure the “uneven court” excuse is against official rules and Raymond’s constant exclamation of “hard cheese” every time Henry screws up is surely unsportsmanlike.

Beats the grunting of today’s players, though.

Random racquet trivia: The movie was remade in 2006 by Todd Philips, this time starring Jon Heder and Billy Bob Thornton.

There’s a tennis scene in that movie, too – though we’re not sure Terry-Thomas would approve of the tennis-ball-to-nuts hit that wraps it up.

Or would he? Hard cheese!

Next: Wimbledon

Wimbledon (2004)

Players: Peter Colt, the underdog British sensation ranked 119th in the world (Paul Bettany) takes on cocky American player Jake Hammond (Austin Nichols) for the championship.

Who wins? Against all the odds (and logic, since it’s a movie), Colt takes it with an amazing dive to return a seemingly impossible shot.

Fault! It’s littered with ‘em, from Hammond’s 144 mph serve (really? They needed it to be that impressive?) to the fact that the Brit actually wins.

Not to sound unpatriotic or anything, but this is why the film’s a fantasy.

Oh, and montages were banned at Wimbledon in 1975.

Random racquet trivia: This is the only movie to have actually been shot at Wimbledon while it was happening, during the 2003 tournament.

Next: The Squid And The Whale

The Squid And The Whale (2005)

Players: The Berkman family (Jeff Daniels’ Bernard, Laura Linney’s Joan, sons Frank and Walt, played by Owen Kline and Jesse Eisenberg) square off in a game of mixed family doubles that quickly turns fractious.

Who wins? Bernard and Walt are ahead when the game dissolves into an argument thanks to Bernard’s aggressive play. It’s not known who finally wins, though we’re going with Bernard.

Fault! Bernard’s language (“F**K!”) wouldn’t pass muster on Centre Court, though we’re sure John McEnroe used it in his time.

And using the game as metaphor for family issues probably isn’t in the rule book either, but that doesn’t stop the Williams sisters.

Random racquet trivia: While some of the movie is based on director Noah Baumbach’s life, he’s on record as saying the tennis match is entirely fictional.

Next: The Witches Of Eastwick

The Witches Of Eastwick (1987)

Players: Daryl Van Horne (Jack Nicholson) and Jane Spofford (Susan Sarandon) face down Sukie Ridgemont (Michelle Pfeiffer) and Alexandra Medford (Cher) in a “friendly” doubles match.

Who wins? Rain – after a devilish intervention from Daryl – stops play. But Sukie and Alexandra were ahead. We think. We were distracted by Michelle Pfeiffer swatting the ball with her bum.

Fault! Wimbledon’s officials would not certify anal play on the court. Steady…

And the use of magic is right out, despite Pete Sampras once hiring a shaman to keep his winning streak intact.

Note to lawyers: this is a joke.

Random racquet trivia: The tennis skill on display is mostly thanks to ILM, which was called upon to double its workload when the cast were found to be rubbish players.

Next: Annie Hall

Annie Hall (1977)

Players: Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) and pal Rob (Tony Roberts) hook up with Rob’s wife Janet (Wendy Girard) and Annie Hall (Diane Keaton) on the pretence of a game, but really so that Alvy and Annie can meet cute.

Who wins? We don’t see the outcome, but the love match that develops afterwards – complete with neurotic wittering from the pair - works out well. Mostly.

Fault! We have trouble believing as man as nerdy as Alvy plays tennis in the first place.

And while Annie’s coloured getup is okay for Noo Yoik, it wouldn’t be allowed in Ladies’ doubles at the big W.

Random racquet trivia: The scene was originally supposed to happen much earlier in the film, but after a disastrous first cut, Allen moved it later into the running time.

Next: Nobody's Perfect

Nobody’s Perfect (1989)

Players: Stephen (Chad Lowe), disguised as “Stephanie” (he likes a girl, you see, and this is the only way to be near her) plays Coach Harrison (Mariann Aalda, who, frankly, looks even more butch than Lowe ever could as a bloke).

Who wins? It’s more of a practice knockabout, and they’re not really keeping score. But Stephen definitely loses his dignity as one of his false breasts falls out during the game.

And Lowe dressed as a girl? Everyone loses!

Fault! No man has ever won Wimbledon pretending to be a woman.

Keep your Martina Navratilova jokes to yourself.

Random racquet trivia: Real-life Tennis Champ Vytautas Kevin Gerulaitis (he was from the US, despite that name) appears as himself.  

He probably regrets it, but since he tragically died in 1995, so we’ll never know for sure.

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7 Silent But Deadly Movie Mutes

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 07:22:14 GMT

With Moon creating monsterous buzz, helmer Duncan Jones has announced plans for a follow-up, called Mute.

The film will follow a vocally-challenged bartender as he searches for his missing girlfriend, sending him up against the worst his city has to offer.

The premise, and the skills Jones showed with Moon, has us excited for this project, and we thought we'd take a look at a handful of other Movie Mutes who have made big impressions.

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10 Classic Movie Accessories To Swede

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:32:19 GMT

So, we've chosen last month's Transformation winner (see it here) and covered Jasmine Sahu in prizes for being so brilliant.

Now it's time to do it all over again.

This month's theme is Accessories, so whether you've got a cardboard pipe, or a fingerless glove, you can take part.

Just choose your favourite accessory scene (our suggestions below), recreate it, upload it to YouTube and the link to chris.hicks@futurenet.com.

We’ll pick our favourites at the end of July.

Good luck!

Sherlock Holmes’ Pipe

The Hound of the Baskervilles (1939)

Ease Of Swede: 9/10

We don’t want to see a real pipe here, that’s too easy. Maybe make a massive cardboard cut-out pipe, and sit next to a cardboard open fire. Talk in a posh accent about crime and Watson’s your uncle.

Sailor Ripley’s Jacket

Wild at Heart (1990)

Ease Of Swede: 8/10

Go into your mum’s wardrobe and borrow the snakeskin jacket she wore in the ‘80s, then prance about like you’re Elvis. We’re sure she won’t mind.

Next: Indiana's whip, Mary Poppins' umbrella

Indiana Jones’ whip

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Ease Of Swede: 8/10

Get a load of liquorice string, tie it all together, and start flinging it about. Careful not to have anyone’s eye out, though.

Mary Poppins’ Umbrella

Mary Poppins (1964)

Ease Of Swede: 5/10

Get an umbrella, slide down the banister, then loop the footage backwards. You’re Mary Poppins!

Next: Jesus Quintana’s glove, Snake Plissken’s eye patch

Jesus Quintana’s glove

The Big Lebowski (1998)

Ease Of Swede: 6/10

Get down to your local bowling alley with one of your old fingerless mittens. Extra points for reciting the full speech.

Snake Plissken’s eye patch

Escape From New York (1981)

Ease Of Swede 6/10

Head for your local joke shop, buy a pirate costume, chuck everything in the bin except the eye patch, scratch off the skull and crossbones, whack it on and start growling dialogue.

Next: Jules Winnfield’s ‘Bad Mother Fucker’ wallet, Agent J(Jay)’s sunglasses

Jules Winnfield’s ‘Bad Mother Fucker’ wallet

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Ease Of Swede: 8/10

Take your wallet out of your pocket, take a marker pen out of your other pocket, write the words on the wallet, then head for your local Burger King.

Agent J(Jay)’s sunglasses

Men in Black (1997)

Ease Of Swede: 10/10

Give your mate a tour of your school sports hall, get the free 3D glasses we gave you with our Terminator Salvation issue. Put them on. You're done.

Next: Holly Golightly cigarette holder, Dorothy’s ruby slippers

Holly Golightly cigarette holder

Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)

Ease Of Swede: 10/10

Go into the garden, fetch a long stick, swagger around like you're at a party. Simple.

Dorothy’s ruby slippers

Wizard of Oz (1939)

Ease Of Swede 7/10

Get some old moth-eaten slippers, dip 'em in some red paint, wait for them to dry, then stick 'em on and whack 'em together, chanting there's no place like home, there's no place like home...

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The Evolution Of Johnny Depp

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 07:29:00 GMT

7 Hot Thesps For Fahrenheit 451

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:05:37 GMT

Frank Darabont, who claims he’ll die before he gives up on dream project Fahrenheit 451, has said he’s “out to an actor” for the role.

But if he’s really after the cash he needs to get the Ray Bradbury adaptation on Hollywood’s front burner, we’d suggest one of these actors…

Robert Pattinson

Hot Choice: Thanks to Twilight, he’s got a built-in, screaming, adoring and generally worshipping audience who are currently following him around New York even though he’s shooting another movie and not a vampire sequel.

And though Twilight means he’s got a certain amount of clout these days, he’s still not as pricey as some bigger stars.

Which means the producers can spend more of the budget on effects (and hair products to keep the thesp in perfect, tousled, tweenage-girl-faint-causing condition) and get a proven moneymaker in the lead. Ka-ching!

Cold Comfort: Of course, you can’t just assume that Pattinson’s crowd will follow him into the cinema for a dark, dystopian look at a world gone horribly totalitarian, a world where books are burned because they’re considered dangerous.

And chances are his audience aren’t rushing into a film that will likely make them think about issues and stuff.

Maybe the filmmakers could hire Kristen Stewart as lead character Montag’s disaffected wife, Linda, and they could sell it as the reunion movie between vamp outings…

Next: Megan Fox

Megan Fox

Hot Choice: She’s not only in the biggest movie of the moment (albeit not very much), but she’s also one of the biggest names in Hollywood right now.

She’d be sure to generate interest, especially if Darabont’s willing to shift the main character to a female “fireman”, while maintaining the plot about the character who bucks the system before running off with rebels.

Promise the fan boys a couple of run-ins with gushing hoses and a little artfully shot, moistened skin and they’re in. Plus, it’s sci-fi and Megan Fox + sci-fi is big right now.

Cold Comfort: But there’s a problem. Not only will Fahrenheit purists baulk at the changes and the casting, but she’s really not proven with the sort of deep dramatic material that fuels Fahrenheit’s futuristic fire.

True, she’s done comedy and she’s about to tackle horror with Jennifer’s Body, but when your main acting experience is looking at nothing and imagining a giant robot, we’re not sure you’re qualified to channel Ray Bradbury’s words.

And she’s likely getting ever pricier, especially now Revenge Of The Fallen is a big hit…

Next: Christian Bale

Christian Bale

Hot Choice: Did somebody say “intense, moody, driven”? That he can do. In spades. In fact, Bale’s usual – these days – scowly performance fits perfectly with the Montag character at the centre of the story.

Bale already has experience taking on cherished characters with the likes of Batman and John Connor, so tackling another shouldn’t really worry him.

And we’re pretty sure he’d agree to drop his fee to work with Darabont, so the production team could squeeze more bang for their buck.

Cold Comfort: Sadly, there’s also more to Montag than just being moody and brooding.

And while Bale could likely stare down the futuristic robo-dog that hunts his character (assuming they’ve left that intact from the book), we’re not 100% certain he can convey all of Montag’s emotions, particularly the joy he feels when he’s finally free to live life with literature.

And no, shouting, “Oh, goood!” doesn’t count. He couldn’t convince us he was in love with Bryce Dallas Howard, we’re not sure he’d be right for this.

Maybe they should try Sam Worthington instead. Hang on, that’s not a bad idea…

Next: Sam Worthington

Sam Worthington

Hot Choice: If there was one actor who emerged unscathed from the many critical maulings Terminator Salvation received, it was the largely unknown Aussie.

He got the lion’s share of the story and he carried it off well, showing a range of emotions.

Thanks to the robo-pic, he’s now a name actor, but not yet in the stratosphere, and like Bale would probably drop his fee to work on some good material. He’d be perfect, surely?

Cold Comfort: Is he enough of a name to command the sort of cash Darabont will be after to make his dream a reality?

Well, after Avatar, maybe. But the truth is, that one, even more than Terminator, will be sold on its creator’s name and the wow-factor of its look than the leading man.

He could be the one that Darabont is asking to help with the movie – but we’d have to doubt it at this point.

Could he do the role? Most definitely. Would he be considered enough of a draw? Tougher to say…

Next: Hugh Jackman

Hugh Jackman

Hot Choice: He’s got star quality in bucket loads. He can help genre projects make dosh, even when they’re not exactly brilliant (Wolverine, anyone?)

So imagine what he could do with Fahrenheit 451. He’s got genre cred, a face people outside the sci-fi fan base recognise, he’s proved that he’s a decent actor and he’s used to working with effects.

Cold Comfort: Yet is his name too big, his face too recognisable? Unlike most of the people on this list, he’s not exactly cheap. And no one would consider him an unknown, unlike his breakout role in X-Men.

The producers might start to worry that audiences wouldn’t buy him as Montag, but we’d still give him a shot.

Next: Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks

Hot Choice: He’s actually been Darabont’s top choice for years. Consider it – they’ve worked together before (on The Green Mile), Hanks has a more than proven track record and there isn’t a studio executive alive who wouldn’t greenlight a movie with him in the lead.

He’s charming, but has shown other sides to himself. And Montag would be among his most challenging roles, offering him the chance to really show some range again.

Cold Comfort: Sadly, while Darabont has been trying to work something out with him for ages, Hanks just doesn’t seem to be biting.

He must’ve read more than one draft of the script by now and if he isn’t committed, there’s surely a reason. Hanks is a canny businessman/ producer and something is holding him back from agreeing to make the movie.

Could it be a problem with the director’s recent work? Or even something as simple as timing issues? After all, Hanks is in high demand.

Finally, there’s the money. Would he ditch his hefty (albeit well-earned) fee to work with his old Green Mile mucker? Maybe…

Next: Stephen Moyer

Stephen Moyer

Hot Choice: He’s the budget option, currently to be found playing vampire Bill Compton on vampire TV show True Blood.

With his relatively affordable face leading the cast, the budget would, like some of the other cheaper options on the list, allow the filmmakers to go all out on other parts of the film.

Plus True Blood has become very popular, with near Sopranos-level viewer loyalty and Moyer could translate some of that fandom to awareness for the movie.

Cold Comfort: But is he too unknown? The British thesp has mostly worked on TV and nervy movie producers would likely be unwilling to gamble what is likely to be an expensive proposition (one that also tackles weighty themes and is entirely devoid of giant machines punching each other) on an untested thesp.

Still, stranger things have happened – and even more unknown thesps have been rocketed to stardom through just such a project…

We think Darabont will go for someone a little more famous. But to be honest, we just want to see him finally get to make the movie.

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Lars Von Trier On Trial

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:05:02 GMT

After we heard the news that Lars Von Trier's awful Antichrist will arrive in UK cinemas uncut, we thought we'd sit down the director and ask him to explain himself.

The following is our attempt to find out why he made it, whether he accepts it's a failure, and whether or not he sees himself as a misogynist. The court is now in session...

Mr Von Trier, will you concede that your horror film is a failure?

Well, it’s not a horror film. It’s a lot of different things. You know, whenever I try to make a musical, it didn’t become a musical!

Next: Shock & Bore

But it was your goal, was it not, to both bore and shock the viewer?

No, I don’t think about the audience. I think whatever you can imagine, you can shoot. Otherwise the medium wouldn’t make any sense.

There is quite a lot of suffering in this life. And yes, you should portray it.

I think because of this breakdown I had, I suddenly had a freer access to some of the things that I’ve experienced before.

I wasn’t afraid to make it kitsch and bad taste and politically incorrect.

You open your thoroughly pretentious movie with a protracted scene of the death of a small child...

...I can see that maybe the little boy at the start is me. Because my mother was extremely important in my childhood.

I was really fond of her. I had these magical ideas that whenever she said something it became real.

But she didn’t give me a childhood.

If I were to ask her, ‘Shall I die during the night?’ She would say, ‘It’s not very likely.’ Her ambition to tell the truth was bigger than the ambition of taking care of a child in that sense.

Next: Sex & Death

The parents are having sex when the child falls to his death. Are you blaming them?

I don’t know if I can talk about it. But I feel there is a lot of guilt. Especially in this female character, there is a lot of guilt.

I hope that my mother would have felt guilty!

Next: Misogyny

We put it to you Mr Von Trier, that you have proved yourself a misogynist.

That would be ridiculous. Nobody hates women. But then, what should you write about?!

Of course, there are differences between the sexes. I’m very sure of that. And that’s good. That’s very good. But that also gives some tensions. Not that I feel them in my marriage!

Next: Talking Fox

Would you not agree that your film is wilfully pretentious? Will the jury please note Exhibit A: the talking fox.

No, but it’s more complicated than that. The fox comes from these Shamanic journeys that I did.

You have this drum beat and you have some little techniques that take you into this parallel world.

And there, I talked to this fox and it demanded to have a line. So, what can I do?

And I can tell you, I had this aunt that was dying in hospital. She loved foxes. And until the evening she died, we wrote to each other about the foxes. It was very touching.

Next: Sarcasm

/Mr Von Trier! Are you at all fit to stand trial?

I have to tell you that I that I have been under therapy, under this cognitive therapy, for quite a lot of years.

And some of what you see in Antichrist might actually be a little sarcastic...

Defendant found in contempt of court and unfit for trial. Case adjourned until further notice.

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5 Plots For A Mature Toy Story 3

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:03:47 GMT

Pixar have stated that Toy Story 3 will be a mature affair.

Animator Angus MacLane has said: "Certainly we're approaching this film 10 years later, so I think we're sort of coming at it from the standpoint of [Andy] has grown up, and we've grown up with these toys, and we have a reverence for them, but we also have different things as a priority."

We thought we’d look at some of the ways past films have dealt with mature stars, and whether they could apply to Toy Story...

The Odd Toy Couple

Hollywood loves to stick a couple of cranky old men together and watch them grumble about their surroundings.

There’s something about old curmudgeons complaining that appeals to studio executives. We have no idea why. Maybe it reminds them of studio notes.

The Plot: Pixar could put Buzz and Woody on the porch of a Dolls House and let them moan about the young Furby couple that’s moved in around the corner.

They could follow the pair as they go through their usual daily routine over and over again, grumbling every step of the way.

But when a care-worker named Barbie comes to try and convince them to go into a home, they both fall in love with her and the trouble really starts...

Likelihood Score: 8

Next: Toy Story 3: Cocoon

Toy Story 3: Cocoon

The other movie path available to pensioners is best exemplified by Cocoon. A handful of old folks take a dip in a pool with alien pods in it, and become young again.

Ignore all the alien pod stuff, the last part is universal to almost every old folk flick – at some point, they’ll adapt some aspect of youth culture, usually for comic effect.

The Plot: Buzz and Woody are old. Their parts are broken, their paint is peeling and Buzz’s laser isn’t as bright as it once was.

But then middle-aged Andy takes them in for repairs so he can give them to his son.

The pair get fixed, and gain a new lease of life, as the objects of affection for Andy Jr.

The happy story is offset by a slighter more reflective subplot, in which Mr and Mrs Potato Head are ignored by Andy (operating as a metaphor for society) who slow fall to pieces.

Likelihood Score: 9

Next: The Tear Jerker

The Tear Jerker

If a film’s got older stars in it, it will attempt to make you cry at some point. We imagine Toy Story 3 will be no different.

The Plot: Woody discovers he’s got a long lost son and sets out on a voyage of discovery to learn about the boy.

But then Buzz’s lifelong exposure to laser-rays make him fall desperately ill – and Woody has to choose between spending time with his son, or his best friend.

The film inevitably ends with a death scene so tragic there won’t be a dry eye in the house.

Likelihood Score: 7

Next: The Bodyswap

The Bodyswap

This one is similar to the Cocoon route, in that it’s packed with gags about the differences between generations.

But it’s less about the sentimentality and more about the slapstick comedy – and Pixar’s proven to be adept at both.

The Plot: Middle-aged Andy buys a mystical artefact from a second hand toy store and takes it home. It starts glowing and electrocutes Andy, sending his spirit into his favourite toy, Woody.

Woody’s personality gets sent into Andy’s body, and he has to cope with being a lot bigger than he’s used to.

Andy, meanwhile, has to try and find a way to get back to his body, whilst dealing with the fact that all of his toys have individual personalities.

Andy learns the value of playtime, whilst Woody realises that being a toy isn’t so bad after all.

Likliehood Score: 6

Next: The Violent Route

The Violent Route

Of course, Pixar could be going down another route altogether. Mature usually means old, but it can also suggest blood-soaked violence.

The Plot: Woody has been abandoned by an adult Andy and the rejection turns him into a brutal serial killer.

Taking his six gun and horse, Woody embarks on a brutal rampage of bloody murder, slaughtering his friends in increasingly imaginative ways.

He launches Buzz into space (“To infinity!”), cooks and eats Mr and Mrs Potato Head, shoves Rex in the freezer (“Welcome to the ice age!”), sets a pack of wolves on Bo Peep and untwists Slinky Dog.

Eventually Sarge and the soldiers take Woody down, in a finale full of balletic shoot-outs.

Likelihood Score: 0

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The Story Behind Thriller

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 12:26:35 GMT

The King Of Pop is dead.

We thought we’d pay tribute by celebrating the first music video to truly transcend MTV, which became an eternal part of pop culture in the process.

It’s a music video, it’s a movie, it’s a cultural event. It’s Thriller. It’s brilliant. Here’s how Michael made it.

Origins (1983)

Michael Jackson: We tried to bring back motion pictures shorts. I wanted Thriller to be a stimulant for people to make better videos and short films.

John Landis: His whole thing was we gotta be good, it’s gotta be good, it’s gotta be great…

Jackson: The best.

Landis: The best.

Next: Influences

Influences

Jackson: I saw American Werewolf In London and I really, really liked it, because it was a different type of horror movie, it was comedy and horror, that’s the way I saw it.

So I asked, who’s the director who did it? And they said 'John Landis, John Landis.' I said, 'great, that’s who we’ve got to get, get in touch with him.'

Landis: I gradually became aware that he knew me from American Werewolf, but he knew nothing else.

It was real awkward. We asked, ‘have you seen Trading Places?’

Jackson (smiling): No.

Landis: Animal House?

Jackson: No.

Landis: Blues Brothers?

Michael: No.

Landis: It was a real depressing afternoon at Michael Jackson’s house.

Next: Creating The Monsters

Creating The Monsters

Jackson: When I first walked into Rick (Baker’s) studio, it was like a museum of horror, all these faces, I was so amazed by it.

There was one that was just a head that was split open, all these organs were pushing out, all his brains. It was disgusting, but it was brilliant. I think that he’s an incredible artist.

Rick Baker: I actually started make-up when I was 10. I made up all my friends in the neighbourhood and usually they were pretty ghastly make ups, third degree burns, gashes and wounds… I wasn’t allowed in a lot of houses when I was a kid (laughs).

The biggest challenge for this film was getting the amount of work we needed to have done, done in the time that we had.

At one point there’s around thirty different zombies that we created. We had twenty make-up artists all putting appliances on zombies. It’s the largest make-up crew I’ve ever had.

Next: Transformation

Transformation

Baker: I think the one thing that Michael wanted the most was to do the transformation, he wanted to change into a monster.

I actually tried to talk him out of it. He just wants to go through it, I don’t know why. I told him how horrible an experience it was going to be.

He likes the make-up, he likes it a lot and has a lot of fun with it. He’s a real good person to work with.

Jackson: You put this thing on and you slowly metamorphosis into this whole another person.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, you can’t help but let the whole mood and the character of it come to life.

You can see the way it should walk, the way it should react, the way it should move.

Next: The Dance

The Dance

Jackson: I did Beat It with Michael Peters and I choreographed portions of that as well.

So I told John Landis, I want Michael Peters to work on this thing. And so we got together and we did certain steps and we finally ended up agreeing on the piece.

Michael Peters: We have eighteen professional dancers, we have four pop lock dancers, I was looking for people who would really get off on what we were doing.

When they walked into the studio on the first day I said look, this is not a glamour gig, it’s going to be uncomfortable make-up and dentures in your mouth and twelve hours of being really weird looking. They said 'I love it.'

Michael is quite amazing to me.

He’s working with people that have studied this for a great portion of their lives and he’ll walk into a studio and you purely give him the rhythm of a step, and he just does it.

It’s really wonderful to watch, because it’s an innate gift that he has. He’s a dancer in his soul.

Next: The Legacy

The Legacy

Quincy Jones said on the set of Thriller: “This is going to be the Citizen Kane of videos.

"I think it’s going to be the most revolutionary thing in the history of videos. It’s a new art form, but I think this is leading the way.”

He was right. Thriller is still listed in the Guinness Book Of Records as the Most Successful Music Video and MTV to this day rates it as the Greatest Music Video ever made.

But more than that, Thriller is a part of pop culture like no music video before or after it.

There isn’t a filmed medium invented that hasn’t paid homage to it.

Whether it's in horror movie spoofs like Return Of The Living Dead II, stop-motion TV shows like Robot Chicken, awful reality TV shows like Big Brother (who staged the dance as a task in Series 9) or fan videos on YouTube, Thriller will be watched, discussed and copied forever.

When people saw the Sex Pistols, it made them want to play. When people see Thriller, it makes them want to dance. It’s a fine legacy.

Next: The Homages

The Homages

Thriller is still the most successful music video of all time. It’s been homaged a million times as a result. Here are a few of our favourites.

Filipino Prisoners Do The Dance

Why We Love It:

It’s incredible. There’s something eerie about seeing hundreds of prisoners stumbling around like the undead, and as for the dancing...

Best Bit:

When the music kicks in and they go into their perfectly timed routine.

It actually makes our jaws slacken with joy every time we see it. It's almost as good as the original for sheer wonder. Trust us, it'll give you goosebumps.

Oh, yeah, and keep an eye out for the prisoner playing Michael's girlfriend. We bet he was popular afterwards...

Gorillaz – Clint Eastwood

Why We Love It:

Gorillaz announced their existence to the world with a pitch perfect homage to the greatest music video of all time.

This is no spoof, this is a respectful tribute - complete with Thriller font, setting and dance routines - and it’s all the more entertaining for it.

Best Bit:

When the monkeys (gorillas?) shift their shoulders and clap their hands, in sync. Genius.

Indian Thriller

Why We Love It:

Because it’s hilarious. If we ever get dumped by girls, we watch this video and the world doesn’t seem so bad.

Best Bit:

It’s all amazing, but the moment at around the 0.59 mark, when the weird guitar kicks in, gets us every time.

Oh, and after all that, maybe you'll want to watch the original. Here it is, in full.

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5 Films That Could Now Win An Oscar

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:02:41 GMT

Every year it’s the same. The Oscar nominations are announced and some of our favourite flicks don’t make the cut.

This year, it was The Dark Knight and Wall-E. Next year, we expected Avatar and Up to dodge the recognition trophy.

Well, worry no more. The following five movies look certain to benefit from the rule-change that doubles the list of flicks eligible for the greatest prize in Hollywood.

Avatar

Why It Wasn’t A Contender

Oscar has an awkward relationship with fanboy friendly flicks.

They’re usually treated like an ugly prom date, shoved onto the geek table (Visual Effects) and ignored for the rest of the night.

But Avatar looks set to be the geek that gets the girl (golden man) in 2010.

Why It Is Now

Avatar was always on the fringes of Oscar contention – it seemed too ground-breaking, too incredible to ignore.

But when the greatest geek flick of last year The Dark Knight got shunned by the Academy for being too brilliant (probably), we assumed that Cameron would be treated with the same contempt.

Now there are ten spaces to fill, if Cameron doesn’t get a nod, we’ll actually sue Oscar for professional negligence. And kick him in his golden nuts. In 3D.

Next: Public Enemies

Public Enemies

Why It Wasn’t A Contender

Weirdly, Heat was nominated for more prizes at the Academy Of Science Fiction, Fantasy And Horror Films’ in 1996 (one, best supporting actor, Val Kilmer) than it was any Academy Awards.

Yes, Heat didn’t get a single Oscar nod. It’s a disgrace.

If the Academy can ignore the greatest crime flick of the decade, it’s pretty safe to assume they would have ignored Enemies when it came time to cast their ballots.

Why It Is Now

Not anymore. We were already certain there’d be a smattering of Supporting Oscar nods, now we’re prepared to put down money that Mann will be rewarded for more than just his sterling cast.

Next year, expect Mann add nominations to the Most Desireable Male MTV Award nod Val Kilmer got for Heat in '96 (he didn't win). Though we imagine Johnny Depp will be duking it out for that one too.

Next: Inglourious Basterds

Inglourious Basterds

Why It Wasn’t A Contender

From a distance, Basterds is the ideal Best Picture nominee.

It has an ingenious script which plays with codes and conventions of cinema, it has shots that are genuinely beautiful, it has a supporting star who’s guaranteed to be showered with awards from now until March (Christoph Waltz), hell, it’s even a war movie, and Oscar loves his soldiers...

But then the problems kick in. There’s that juvenile title – can you really see that etched at the bottom of a golden boy?

Then there’s all the scalping scenes, the Academy will be reaching for the remote to switch off their preview disc when all that business kicks in.

Oh, yeah, and there’s all that Hitler stuff. That could go either way.

Why It Is Now

It won’t hurt Oscar to shove QT in with nine of his peers, allowing the Academy to ignore the negatives and celebrate the numerous positives at the heart of Tarantino’s return to form.

It’s still got no chance of winning, though.

Next: Up

Why It Wasn’t A Contender

To their eternal shame, the Academy ha never deemed a Pixar flick as being worthy of the ultimate Oscar accolade.

They’ve traditionally been relegated to the Best Animated Feature Section, which was only invented in 2001.

Oh, or they've been handed made-up prizes, John Lasseter won a ‘Special Achievement Award’ in 1996 for Toy Story, when it should have been taking home Best Director at the very least.

Let’s face it, if the hotly tipped Wall-E wasn’t recognised, the chances of the equally incredible Up being the first ‘toon movie to get a nod since Beauty And The Beast were about as likely as Dug the dog being announced as the host of this year’s ceremony.

Why It Is Now

The Academy is officially out of excuses. If Pixar don’t get shortlisted, we’ll tie balloons to our tellies in protest and watch them float away long before the Oscar broadcast.

Next: The Dark Knight

The Dark Knight

Why It Wasn’t A Contender

Um, it was out last year.

Why It Is Now

Well, it’s not. But it should be. Oscar should take the opportunity to put right what once went wrong, and give The Dark Knight an honorary nod.

And not just a nod, it should win.

What else are they going to give it to? Watchmen?

10 Movie Lessons Tested

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 12:03:01 GMT

Is life really like a box of chocolates? Is greed good? Are you actually a beautiful and unique snowflake, no matter what Tyler Durden says?

We gathered a wide variety of experts to tell us the truth behind the lessons taught to us by some of our favourite movies.

1. ‘Size Matters Not…’

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Frog-sized mindmaster Yoda slaps down Luke Skywalker over his sizeist tendencies.

Expert: Karim Safari, UK and Europeon Muay-Thai Kick Boxing Champion

“Yoda’s right in the sense that a small, skilled fighter needn’t expect to be beaten by a bigger fighter – I prefer fighting someone bigger than me rather than someone smaller. But he’s wrong to say that say doesn’t matter at all.

The strategies for fighting a bigger opponent are very different for those for fighting a smaller one.

Smaller guys should try to put the bigger guys off balance, take the opportunity to step inside his gravity centre and make his size work against him.

Bigger guys should use distance, make the small guy overstretch to hit him.”

Verdict: Part right Yoda is, but not completely.

Next: King Kong

2. ‘It wasn’t aeroplanes. It was beauty that killed the beast…’

King Kong (1933)

After the big ape pavement-dives off the Empire State Building, movie director Denham (Robert Armstrong) offers his verdict on what really did the monarchial monkey in.

Expert: Mike Druit, RAF Strike Command

“Both modern and old fashioned aeroplane-mounted guns are extremely accurate. You’d have to be a really, really poor shot to miss a large non-moving target. Still, these days, warplanes don’t do a lot of strafing.

I’d have thought a Jaguar attack-bomber would be your best bet. They were used a lot in the first Gulf War. They’re the best ground-attack aeroplanes.”

Verdict: Definitely the aeroplanes what done it.

Next: The Fly

3. ‘Be afraid, be very afraid…’

The Fly (1986)

The understandable reaction of Ronnie (Geena Davis) on seeing the killer insectoid man-mass that Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum) has become.

Expert: Paul Kiff, Criminologist and Director of the ‘Cracking Crime’ Research Group, University of East London

“I do believe that people should be more afraid, these days. Not because of crime – there’s less crime these days than ever.

But there are plenty of greater risks – global warming, for a start, which could eventually lead to mass migration, which in turn to lead to great conflict and wars.”

Verdict: Yes, be more afraid. But of drowning.

Next: An American Werewolf In London

4. ‘Beware the moon, and stick to the road!’

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Sage advice to Yank tourists David and Jack (David Naughton and Griffin Dunne) as they cross werewolf-infested moors at night…

Expert: Frances Warneford, Rambler’s Association:

“We campaigned hard for the ‘Right To Roam In Britain’s Countryside’. As a result, it’s now possible to leave footpaths that explore open access land.

But I definitely don’t recommend straying if it means a rambler would be going on to private land. The footpaths are there for a good reason.

Verdict: Roam within reason, but be sensitive to the undead.

Next: Wall Street

5. ‘Greed is good!’

Wall Street (1987)

Cynical words to live by from lizardy corporate raider Gordon Gekko.

Expert: Anita Bean, Sports Nutritionist and author of The Complete Guide To Sports Nutrition

“Greed would never be good for your health. To be greedy means ignoring your body’s natural appetite cues, eating more than you need.

The only time it would be ‘good’ is if you want to gain weight (as fat). Only an undernourished person or a sumo wrestler would benefit from greediness.”

Verdict: Gordon won't fit his expensive suits for long.

Next: True Romance

6. ‘It is better to have a gun and not need it, than to need a gun and not have it…’

True Romance (1993)

If a week spent dodging drug dealers, pimps and gangsters has taught comic-shop geek Clarence Worley anything…

Expert: National Rifle Association of America spokesperson

“In 2005, states where individuals had the right to carry firearms had much lower violent crime rates on average compared to the rest of the country.

This included the seven states with the lowest total violent crime rates – and 11 of the 12 states with lowest murder rates.”

Verdict: Gun-toting statistics say yes, but if fewer people had guns, surely fewer people would need guns… just saying.

Next: Forrest Gump

7. ‘Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get…’

Forrest Gump (1994)

Irksome words of wisdom from Mrs Gump to her fleet-footed, slow-brained offspring.

Expert: Cadbury’s spokesperson

“We try our best to make each assortment the same. There will be give or take on one or two units. But, broadly, each box will feasture the same proportions throughout.

The whole point of assorted chocolates is that whatever you like, someone else won’t – and whatever they don’t like, there’s always some Granny or Auntie who will. You’re trying to cover a broad spectrum.”

Verdict: Chocolate boxes are designed to be uniform and predictable. Not like life then.

Next: The Untouchables

8. ‘They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue…’

The Untouchables (1987)

Wily street cop (Sean Connery) explains the not-so-niceties of getting things done in the real world.

Expert: Prof. Gary Becker, University of Chicago

“The convetional approach to war in democratic states favours retaliation after attacks.

This was the rationale behind the Mutually assured Destruction (MAD) doctrine during the Cold War: the US was prepared to unleash nuclear destruction against the Soviet Union if attacked with nuclear weapons and vice versa.

It worked, although there were several close calls, as during the Cuban crisis.”

Verdict: Malone’s way works, but only if you’re truly prepared to eventually go nuclear.

Next: A Bug's Life

9. ‘First rule of leadership: Everything is your fault...’

A Bug’s Life (1998)

Hard-assed grasshopper gangleader Hopper explains his no-holds-barred management theory to an ant colony…

Expert: Trevor Bargh of management consultants Charter Solutions

“Hopper ended up getting killed by a bird, didn’t he? That’s the comeuppance someone dishing out advice like that deserves. Blame culture doesn’t really achieve anything.

Yes, people have to be aware of the consequences of what they do, but you need more of a positive approach, so that everyone rallies together.”

Verdict: Hopper’s advice is for the birds.

Next: Fight Club

10. ‘You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake…’

Fight Club (1999)

Tyler Durden imparts an ego crushing view of his fellow man’s place in the grand scheme of things.

Expert: Dr. Tara Rodden Robinson, author of Genetics for Dummies.

“Humans share many genes in common with even the simplest organisms, such as bacteria and worms.

Over 99 per cent of human DNA is identical to any other human on earth, and as much as 98 per cent is identical to sequences found in the mouse genome.

Perhaps the greatest take-home message of the Human Genome Project is how alike all life on earth really is.

Verdict: Spot on. We’re just the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

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The Half-Time Review Of The Year

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 10:19:36 GMT

2009 is half over already.

And not to sound like grumbling old blokes, but can you believe how quickly it’s gone by?

There have been some huge stories and even huger-er films released so far this year, so we thought we’d look back at some of the biggest stories, movies and features that showed up on the site.

Let’s begin, somewhat naturally, at the beginning…

January

January was the month that The Spirit finally arrived in cinemas. We'd already had a little fun at its expense. And then we got to see it properly. The verdict? Not good. Fortunately, there was better stuff right around the corner as Role Models got the year off to a proper start with that age-old formula for great comedy: kids swearing.

We continued to get very excited about the idea of Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson collaborating to make Tintin.

So we were thriled when the beard announced two major casting coups - Simon Pegg and Nick Frost would be slipping on performance capture suits to play Thomson and Thompson. Which then got us thinking: who else could he cast, and who would they play?

In other upcoming film news, we got the first proper look at Michael Myers' mask in Rob Zombie's Halloween follow-up, which had fans ranting about the idea that he'd be going sans disguise for a hefty chunk of the film.

But we couldn't be worried about such things - we were too busy tracking down The 11 Sexiest Breakout Stars of 2009, with a follow-up focusing on Breakout Blokes. Hellllo, Malin Akerman and Freida Pinto...

Talking of the lovely Miss Pinto, we finally got the chance to see Slumdog Millionaire. We figured the film could go far - even to the Oscars. How right we were... Oh, and since the shiny golden gongs were rushing towards us, we decided to select 8 Movie Characters Who Should Host The Oscars. Daniel Plainview, anyone?

But before the golden baldies, we got the Golden Globes. Kate Winslet nabbed a couple of prizes, while Slumdog began its awards haul run. We also tracked the event in pictures.

Another winner that night was Mickey Rourke, scooping a much-deserved gong for his role in The Wrestler, which we thought was amazing. We also had Mickey chat to us about it.

And that was just before we reported that he was up for a role in Iron Man 2, along with Sam Rockwell and Emily Blunt. Rockwell and Rourke signed on, Blunt, sadly had to drop out due to scheduling issues.

In other news, The A-Team got a new director, the Watchmen spat between Fox and Warners got settled (yay!) Lara Croft plotted a return to raiding tombs and Joaquin Phoenix announced he was quitting acting to become... a rapper?

The movies kept coming too - we reviewed the pulpy likes of My Bloody Valentine 3D and more solid work such as Milk, Frost/Nixon, Revolutionary Road and, er, JCVD.

Next: February

February

This is the month Christian Bale would likely wish to forget, since the world got to hear him flipping out on the Terminator Salvation set. He apologised a week after the leak ,but the damaged was done and the remixes were clogging up the intertubes (one of our favourites is above).

The US Superbowl game brought with it a whole host of TV spot trailers, which we naturally ripped apart with all the glee of a child opening christmas presents - we looked at Star Trek, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen and GI Joe.

Among our more exciting moments was grabbing an exlusive chat with James Cameron about Avatar, and we also got what could be the first look at the film's native aliens.

The month's big movies included likeable 3D epic Bolt from Disney, David Fincher unleashing The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, The Punisher arriving to dish out rough justice and Friday The 13th, which saw the return of Jason Voorhees. To celebrate that last one, we looked back at the hockey-masked stalker's best kills.

And it was awards time yet again as The BAFTAs blew into town. Guess what happened? Yep, Kate... Slumdog... not much unexpected. We got pics, though.

Less ikely to be up for awards when it finally gets made was one of the early examples of this year's continuing trend - making board games into movies. Candy Land? Really?

We were much more excited over word that Martin Campbell - the man who helped re-invent 007 with Casino Royale - was close to signing on to direct Warners' Green Lantern movie (he's since confirmed it). We decided to make our own suggestions for the lead role.

It was a case of robot in a plastic pack when we got our first look at The Fallen from the new Transformers pic. Well, in toy form, anyway...

Valentine's Day came around again, so we showed you how to recreate 7 movie dates, tallied up your list of Worst Screen Couples and Soppy Rom-Coms disguised as Man-Movies for that night in...

Pixar was kind enough to show us 45 minutes of Up, which we loved, while we also sat down exclusively with director Pete Docter and producer Jonas Rivera for a chat about how they made it.

Oh, and Chris Nolan's directing a new film! No, it's not Batman 3. It's Inception, which is about... er... the architecture of the mind. Apparently.

We got back into Oscar countdown fever with 31 Stupidiest Oscar Moments, looked at Worst Case Scenarios of winners that could upset the big categories on the night, and showcased the Golden Raspberry "winners".

It was finally time for the big night. Kate got her due, Sean provided a surprise and, yes, we had the pics, while covering the whole thing in Twitter and blog-style...

Regular news returned with our chance to see Michael Cera as Edgar Wright's Scott Pilgrim, a cool new Watchmen viral video, '80s style, and our world exclusive Star Trek pics.

Finally, Woody came back, as did Clint, Anvil rocked us and The International gave us a Bond-esque fix.

Next: March

[Page-break]

March

After what seemed like years of waiting, Watchmen hit our screens at last. While no film could have lived up to the hype, we liked it, and were disappointed to see it didn't fly at the box office. We were inspired to look at great Opening Credits Sequences, though.

Early March was also trailer tastic, loaded down with promos. Terminator Salvation launched a new one. We took it apart. A Public Enemies promo arrived. We took its riches. Harry Potter brought us a fresh trailer. We worked our magic on it. Oh, and Drag Me To Hell. Which we dragged to... trailer breakdown hell?

Exhausted from all the trailer mauling, we celebrated St Patrick's Day in the Best Movie Bars, and thought of Great Movie Mums for... what else? Mother's Day.

Film-wise, pickings were slimmer in March, but we got to see Marley & Me (we won't spoil the ending for you), Lesbian Vampire Killers (still a great title, shame about the movie) and Knowing, which turned out to be both more - and less - than we expected.

In brighter movie news, based-on-truth prison drama Bronson proved movies could still shock, and made us ponder 7 Strange Ways To Survive The Slammer.

And there was more news to come - we got new plot details for the Tron sequel, Kevin Smith got hold of A Couple Of Dicks (easy, it's a cop comedy), Megan fox (mmm... Megan Fox) became attached to nerd boy dream role Fathom, Zack Snyder started work on his Watchmen follow up Sucker Punch and George Miller hyped up the return of Mad Max (as Mel-free anime).

Meanwhile, Joss Whedon and Cloverfield's Drew Goddard sent some young actors into the Cabin In The Woods, we got the first look at Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland, and a fresh glimpse of chiseld Jake Gyllenhaal as the Prince Of Persia.

More on the rumour side were whispers of Danny Boyle spinning Slumdog success into a job directing Bond 23 (he's not doing it, at least not yet, so we suggested other ideas) and the Fantastic Four reboot (it didn't stop us offering up casting ideas).

Oh, and Robert Rodriguez? Stop teasing with Sin City 2 talk? KTHX.

March wrapped with us looking at the 20 Worst Movie CGI Moments, learning that the Terminator Salvation ending had been changed, and scoring some amazing new pics from the film.

Sean Penn, Jim Carrey and Benicio Del Toro signed on as the Three Stooges for the Farrelly bros (Penn's since dropped out), and Paramount, confident in Star Trek's future success, gave the go-ahead for a sequel script to be started.

Next: April

April

Spring arrived, and so did Wolverine... just not quite how the filmmakers intended. The workprint got leaked, the studio got in a huff and we went in search of other big movies that arrived in the world before they hit cinemas.

Meanwhile, we continued our obsession with Jessical Biel stripping in Powder Blue, and the Bruno trailer invaded our eyes.

Among the month's biggest rumours was Men In Black 3 gearing up. We haven't seen much development in that one yet, but we did point out what we thought should be in the film.

Oh, and another rumour turned out to be very true, as Jackie Earle Haley was confirmed as the new Freddy Krueger in the reboot of A Nightmare On Elm Street.

It was reported that Mike Newell would be re-opening The Box Of Delights, and Gore Verbinski would not be directing the next Pirates film. So we picked a few possible replacements.

Among the month's releases were The Boat That Rocked (Richard Curtis sleepwalks), Monsters Vs Aliens (big fun 3D 'toon), Fast & Furious (Vin gets the old gang back together), Race To Witch Mountain (blah remake), awesome Swedish vampire tale Let The Right One In and rubbish anime adaptation Dragonball Evolution.

Not forgetting, of course, the return of Chev Chelios in Crank: High Voltage, which got us thinking whether he really could survive all that crazy s**t.

April also brought Easter, so we looked at Movie Messiahs and film Rabbits Better Than The Easter Bunny.

We got excited about Duncan Jones' intelligent sci-fi Moon, and mourned the loss of JG Ballard. Oh, and we also went out on a date with Robert Pattinson. Don't ask. He didn't call us after.

We got over our pain watching I Love You, Man and chatting with star Jason Segel. Plus, we looked at some great and some not-so-great movie posters.

Cannes crept ever closer, and we got a look at the schedule, thrilled to the first of the Scott Pilgrim Video Bllogs (Edgar Wright, you are officially a genius at promotion), loved the idea of Michael Chabon re-writing John Carter Of Mars, premiered some world exclusive Terminator Salvation imagery and forced ourselves to look at the lovely Megan Fox (mmm... Megan Fox) in her Jonah Hex getup.

Just for fun, we thought up some other Classic Literature/Monster Movie Mash-Ups to go with Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, and got another look at Avatar. Blurry, but still exciting.

Just not as exciting as the launch of our DVD Club. Which is slowly conquering Twitter. The first rule of DVD Club? You DO talk about DVD Club. The second rule? Er, no pets.

Finally, there was time to review Wolverine (not quite as good as we hoped), Observe And Report (ditto) and State Of Play (thankfully ace) and In The Loop (definitely ditto).

Next: May

May

One movie dominated May. No, it wasn't Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past. It was Star Trek, of course! We celebrated with a week of features, including The 25 Greatest Star Trek Movie Moments.

When we weren't talking Trek, we were chatting exclusively with Christian Bale about everything from Terminator Salvation to the outburst and working with Michael Mann on Public Enemies.

And there was another big franchise lumbering towards us, since Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen launched yet another trailer, which we promptly took apart. Oh, and we got to talk to TF co-star Megan Fox (mmm... Megan Fox), who starred in a preposterously sexy video.

Iron Man's sequel was on our minds, with the first official pic, our first glimpse of Robert Downey Jr back in the suit, and our look back at The Story Behind Iron Man.

That wasn't all the Downey Jr action - the Sherlock Holmes trailer arrived to much 'net kerfuffle over its comedy, and we broke it down.

In reviews, Coraline delighted us (and made us A) glad Henry Selick planned to adapt another Neil Gaiman book and B) think about Kids Movies' Wasted On Kids. Synecdoche, New York put us in a Charlie Kaufman frame of mind.

Know what else we were thinking about? 3D - both in the mag and online. Well, that and Who Could Play Frank Sinatra.

Hollywood went reboot/prequell/spin-off crazy (again) announcing new developments on Alien (turns out it'll likely be a prequel), Cliffhanger and Wolverine's Deadpool. And there was news on Preacher from Sam Mendes, Don Quixote from Terry Gilliam (good news! It'll be made! We hope!) and the earliest rumblings of Bradley Cooper playing Face in Joe Carnahan's The A-Team.

We watched Angels & Demons, Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, and Tormented, which had us thinking of great Revenge From Beyond The Grave Moments.

But the real master of horror - Sam Raimi also returned, bringing Drag Me To Hell and giving you the chance to quiz him via our Twitter chat.

Total Film packed off several of its best and brightest to Cannes, where they could enjoy free booze, ladies in bikinis and, oh yeah, write and shoot blogs about films. We got see Up, wrote The Story Behind the movie and debated the merits of Inglourious Basterds.

We looked ahead to District 9, turned recent News Stories Into Movies, got celebrities to tell us which movies Changed Their Lives. Twilighters were abuzz over the New Moon teaer poster, while Ghostbusters fans were happy to hear Dan Aykroyd spill more about the third movie.

There was more Avatar art to enjoy, Nic Cage's Bad Lieutentant went nuts in a crazy trailer (which we couldn't help but take apart) and Pixar brought us the brand new Toy Story 3 teaser.

Finally, we got to see one film early, liked it, and wrote about it...

Next: June

June

Terminator Salvation arrived at the start of this month, which we celebrated with Unforgettable Terminator Moments and Movie Robots Fighting TV Robots. Oh, and we looked at some possible indie directors for Terminator 5.

The Twilight: New Moon trailer arrived online, much to fans delight and our... breakdown.

James Cameron finally got to talking more about Avatar, and we gathered everything We Know so far about the movie.

We wrote The Story Behind Rob Zombie's Halloween movies, and congratulated the first winner of our Monthly Sweding Challenge.

Sadly, we had to bid goodbye to David Carradine, and looked back at his career. Guillermo del Toro talked The Hobbit (it'll only be two films, apparently) and we wondered who could play the younger Bilbo Baggins.

We got our first look at Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex, and learned Liam Neeson would be bringing his particular set of skills to The A-Team as Hannibal Smith.

Film-wise, we also saw The Hangover (hilarious), Last House Of The Left (shoddy), and went Looking For Eric (liked it).

Back in news, we learned James Cameron (him again) might be directing a segemnt of the Heavy Metal remake (if it ever gets going), got our first look at Mickey Rourke in Iron Man 2 and took a stroll down memory lane to see how some of his movies reflected his life.

For fun, we pondered Remakes That Should Be Remade, and celebrated Father's Day with a list of Bad Movie Dads.

Martin Scorsese launched the Shutter Island trailer, and we responded with an on-set report. Peter Morgan signed on to co-write Bond 23, which then led to a rumour gust about Michael Sheen up for playing Blofeld.

In much more confirmed spy news, Tom Cruise and JJ Abrams officially began development of Mission: Impossible IV, and those Inglourious Basterds had a new poster.

We forced ourselves to watch Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus (so you don't have to) and gave you something much better to point your eyes at: Total Film TV!

With Star Trek still flying high, we got creative and suggested 9 Possible Plots for the sequel, and movie men we'd want to replace beleagured PM Gordon Brown.

We liked John Woo's Red Clff and had fun with Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.

So, with The Last Airbender's teaser and the first look at Avatar, we're pretty much up to date.

It's the last few days of June, so that's it for this wrap-up. Play us off, Keyboard Cat...

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What If All Websites Were Movies?

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:00:18 GMT

David Fincher's making a Facebook movie.

So what if some of our other favourite directors decided to make movies out of websites?

Like...

Quentin Tarantino Presents: IMDB – The Movie

The Pitch: Containing the most movie homages ever seen in a mainstream film, IMDB The Movie shifts from comedy riffs, to horror gore, to documentary vérité in the blink of an eye.

Sample Scene: Tarantino walks toward the camera, gesticulating wildly. “Visited by 57 million movie maniacs every month, when you absolutely positively need trivia on every DVD in the room, accept no substitute.”

John Travolta walks in stage left. “I was named Man of the Year by Harvard's Hasty Pudding Club in 1981.”

Sam Jackson walks in stage right: “Get these motherf*cking snakes, off this motherf*cking plane!”

Critical Reaction: “Essential!”

Next: David Lynch's EBAY EMPIRE

David Lynch’s EBAY EMPIRE

The Pitch: Starts out like The Straight Story, following French-born Iranian computer programmer Pierre Omidyar’s mission to make an internet marketplace.

But then EBAY EMPIRE hits the halfway point and goes absolutely nuts.

The website forms its own consciousness and floats above Pierre, saying things like, “Buy it now!” “New and used!” and “Donkey donkey gooseflesh wow!”

Eventually, Pierre has had enough and tries to sell the website, on eBay. But eBay outbids him.

The final shot is of Pierre, trapped in his computer, slapping the screen, moaning, “One careful owner, good as new,” over and over again, while a giant rabbit dressed in a suit bangs jazz out on a cheap keyboard.

Critical Reaction: “Confusing!”

Next: Michael Bay's Wikipedia

Michael Bay’s Wikipedia

The Pitch: After all the abuse he suffered for Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, Bay sets out to make a small personal movie about a couple of businessmen who happen to hit it big with their online encyclopaedia. At least, that’s the intention...

Sample Scene: Some reference books are in a big pile on the ground in a desert. Suddenly, the pages start to blow open in the wind. Books are so useless.

Megan Fox walks towards the books. She’s wearing a crop-top, a mini-skirt and some glasses. The glasses are there to suggest that she’s clever.

She drops a matchstick onto the books. Nu-metal is playing on a radio or something somewhere in the distance. The matchstick falls, falls, falls onto the books in ultra-slow motion.

They start to catch fire. Beautiful flames lick the stupid paper pages. The leather covers start to buckle and crack from the heat.

Suddenly, with a massive whoosh, all the books are turned into a raging inferno. Megan Fox takes her top off, slowly.

Then, the books EXPLODE sending a sonic BOOM effect for MILES. Shards of hardbacks thud against the desert floor. Paper ashes float in slow motion in the wind.

Shia LaBeouf skids into the frame, wearing a baffled expression. “I gotta take these books back… Back to the future!” Roll opening credits.

Critical Reaction: “Inaccurate!”

Next: Pixar's Twitter

Pixar’s Twitter

The Pitch: John Lasseter decides not to go down the obvious biopic road, and instead focuses on the iconic Twitter bird.

When Twitter Bird accidentally eats his best friend Barney Caterpillar, he’s so traumatised that he refuses to speak to anyone, flying out to sea so he can die alone.

But Twitter Bird meets a massive whale there, who needs to be transferred from his polluted sea-home into a whale sanctuary.

Twitter Bird connects with the whale’s misery and decides to get strong enough to lift him to safety himself.

Twitter Bird works out so hard that he makes himself sick, vomiting up Barney in the process. Through helping others, he reunites with his friend.

In an emotional third act, Twitter Bird carries the whale to his new home, chatting to Barney along the way.

Sample Scene: Twitter Bird (voiced by John Ratzenberger) says the following dialogue. He even recites the tinyurl...

“I just got reunited with my best friend, Barney, I’m so happy! I’ve taken him out for eats, check out the Twitpic http://tinyurl.com/nlwfpz!”

Critical Reaction: “Heartwarming!”

Next: JJ Abrams' YouTube

JJ Abrams’ YouTube

The Pitch: In this sequel to Cloverfield, JJ Abrams creates another handheld blockbuster - except this time, you’re watching people watching a global disaster on their computers. META!

Sample Scene: Handsome twentysomething Jake (unknown actor) types 'YouTube' into an internet brower, while his best friend Chud (unknown actor) wisecracks in the background.

Suddenly the camera zooms in on the screen, which is displaying a small video box, which is playing footage of some people running and panicking.

The footage is really blurry and shaky, but it totally scares Jake and Chud. But then Keyboard cat plays off the carnage and Jake and Chud relax again. Roll credits.

Critical Reaction: “Brief!”

Next: Martin Scorsese's Spotify

Martin Scorsese’s Spotify

The Pitch: After hearing that a website exists that lets people listen to any album they want, for free, Marty abandons Shutter Island to 'research' a movie version.

Sample Scene: Nothing as yet, Marty’s still locked in his computer room.

We’ve heard around sixty Rolling Stones tracks blast through the door since he went in, so we imagine they’re on the soundtrack.

Critical Reaction: “Musical!”

Next: McG's MySpace

McG’s MySpace

The Pitch: McG, the backwards baseball cap-wearing voice of youth decides that ‘the kids’ really need to hear about this great new social network site he’s just discovered.

He really identifies with the way people write the name with a big M, then a little y, then a big S, because that’s how he rolls.

The film, initially titled MySpace, MySpace: The Future Batman Begins Returns Salvationator 2: Judgementing Day, is renamed MySpace: The Movie following angry talkbacker comments on Aint It Cool News.

Sample Scene: McG skateboards into the room. He picks up a guitar and sings a song about MySpace. Nobody cares.

Critical Reaction: “Disengaging!”

Next: James Cameron's Google

James Cameron’s Google

The Pitch: Cameron is hired to tell the story of the rise and rise of the insanely successful search engine. Cameron takes the money and spends 18 years using Google Earth and Street View to completely remodel the planet in his own image.

Sample Scene: The camera swoops and spins around a 3D version of Mount Rushmore.

The three stone faces have been transformed into James Cameron’s face, James Cameron’s face and James Cameron’s face holding an Oscar between his teeth. The audience leaves.

Critical Reaction: “Groundbreaking!”

Next: Michel Gondry’s Amazon.com

Michel Gondry’s Amazon.com

The Pitch: Amazon decide that Michel Gondry’s friendly, playful, good-natured films represent the kind of energy they want their brand to be aligned with.

So they hire him to make the movie of their company.

Unfortunately, during the research process, Gondry gets access to the website’s passwords and storage warehouses, and decides to replace all of Amazon's DVD stock with sweded versions of all their most popular movie titles.

The budget is blown and the movie never happens.

Critical Reaction: “Gondry!”

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The 10 Most Miserable Movies Ever Made

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 10:04:15 GMT

This Friday sees the release of My Sister's Keeper, a laugh-a-second film about leukemia that's sure to be as synonymous with laughter as an evening with Jim Davidson.

To celebrate the grand achievement that is making a film so depressing you'll wish you'd gone for the Popcorn/Drink/Handgun combo at the concession stand, we count down the most miserable movies ever made...

Sophie's Choice (1982)

The Film: It’s 1947, and young writer Stingo (Peter MacNicol) arrives in Brooklyn and shares an apartment and a love triangle with Polish immigrant Sophie (Meryl Streep) and her American lover Nathan (Kevin Kline).

Why So Serious? Well that’s not the whole story… see Sophie was imprisoned at Auschwitz during WW2. Throughout the film, she remembers more of her time there.

The choice she had to make? It isn’t between Stingo and Nathan, no, when she arrived at Auschwitz, a Nazi officer made her choose which of her two children lived or died.

“Don’t make me choose!” Sophie begs, making anyone who’s ever stalled in line at Subway feel properly melodramatic… but the Nazi officer insists.

She told them to save the boy, condemning her daughter to death. She never saw her son again.

The film ends with both Sophie and the mentally unstable Nathan committing suicide by way of cyanide, dying in each others arms.

Finding the bodies, Stingo reads Emily Dickinson’s poem “Ample Makes This Bed” – cos that’s sure to cheer folk up – then leaves and buggers off back to the South.

Will It Make You Cry? When we finally get to see the scene where Sophie chose between her kids… you’ll be blubbing like a toddler on an aeroplane.

Will It Uplift You? Er… no.

Cynicism Score: 10 - As if the key scene wasn't emotional enough, the soaring strings are cynical attempts to jerk as many tears from your ducts as possible.

Next: Love Story

Love Story (1971)

The Film: Rich Harvard Law student Oliver Barrett (Ryan O’Neal) meets working class music student Jennifer Cavelleri (Ali McGraw) and they fall in lurve.

Why So Serious? Yes it doesn’t quite end happily ever after for the star-crossed pair.

Oliver’s dad disowns him and disinherits him, cutting him off and forcing the pair to slum it. That’s not so bad though, they still have each other.

Then they try to start a family, but whoops! Jennifer can’t have children, and the doctors find out she’s sick.

Oliver begs his dad for a loan to cover her medical expenses, not telling him what it’s for. He works it out and rushes to the hospital to apologise to his son and offer help.

Too little too late. Jennifer dies in Oliver’s arms, before pops can get there.

Mr Barrett apologises to his son, who retorts “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”, which Jennifer told him earlier in the film, and which also makes no real sense.

Will It Make You Cry? Are you made of stone? The woman he loves just died in his arms at 25!

Will It Uplift You? Not so much, unless you go to Cornell University. The film features a hockey match between Cornell and Harvard, which Cornell win.

Before the real-life fixture, the team and fans all watch the hockey scene at the beginning of the film, whooping and cheering, then skip right to the end to Jennifer’s death, and take similar pleasure in that.

Whoever said American’s weren’t sportsman-like?

Cynicism Score: 9 – All it took to repair a father-son relationship was a little helping of death.

Next: Beaches

Beaches (1988)

The Film: A chronicle of the life-long friendship of well-to-do lawyer Hillary (Barbara Hershey) and singer CC (Bette Midler).

Why So Serious? Following the pair from teenagers to adults, there are love triangles, affairs, divorces, fallings-out, reconciliations, professional successes and failures.

Hillary has a kid, who she raises alone. Alas, fate is on hand to ensure she is diagnosed with a failing heart. She’ll need a heart transplant to live, problem is a tissue match will be near impossible to find.

She takes the kid to a beach house near San Francisco to spend the summer with CC.

Hillary collapses and is rushed to hospital, but CC breaks her out and takes her back to the beach house to spend her last moments with her daughter.

Hillary makes the non-maternal CC promise to take care of her daughter… then dies. Sniff.

Will It Make You Cry? Let’s face it; Guys you’ll likely be asleep by this point, or not invited to watch the movie at all. Girls, you’ll cry so hard it’ll make “Grey’s Anatomy” seem like a light-hearted comedy romp.

Will It Uplift You? You know the song “Wind Beneath My Wings”? Well if you find that uplifting, then there will be at least two minutes here for you.

The rest of you will be eating ice cream in your pyjamas for the next month.

Cynicism Score: 10 – This flick is so cynically designed to make you blub is should come with a health warning. Cute kids, death and Wind Beneath My Wings? COME ON!

Next: Terms Of Endearment

Terms Of Endearment (1983)

The Film: An independent minded young mother, Emma (Debra Winger), clashes with her own, overbearing and controlling mother, Aurora (Shirly Maclaine).

Why So Serious? The film deals with issues of parenting and how Emma’s upbringing by her interfering Mother affects how she raises her own two sons.

There are many scenes that tug the heartstrings, as Emma and Aurora clash heads and reconcile, as Emma’s husband commits adultery and the young family struggles to pay the bills.

A scene in a supermarket shows Emma unable to pay the total, and deciding what to put back, her young son offering his chocolate bar back to the checkout girl, stating “I don’t need it”. Bless.

As it goes in this type of film, Emma goes and gets cancer, and as she begins to fade in her hospital bed, she and Aurora talk through their relationship.

Aurora helps Emma do her make-up so she can say goodbye to her sons, and in a standout scene, runs round the hospital screaming at the nurses to give her daughter some painkillers to ease her suffering.

Emma passes away while her mother and husband sleep alongside her. Aurora has two new charges to raise, and a new outlook on motherhood.

Will It Make You Cry? As Emma says a tearful goodbye to her two young sons, you’ll be going through the Kleenex faster than a teenage boy with an internet connection.

Will It Uplift You? Apart from a few laughs courtesy of Jack Nicholson’s retired astronaut Garrett Breedlove, this is no Slumdog Millionaire.

Cynicism Score: 8 – Debra Winger died in order to make Shirley Maclaine a better mother? Wouldn’t a chat with Dr. Phil accomplish the same?

Next: Steel Magnolias

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Steel Magnolias (1989)

The Film: A group of women in small town Louisiana, deal with life, love, family while strengthening the bonds between them.

Why So Serious? Truvy (Dolly Parton) owns a Beauty Parlour, the centre of the relationship between the women. Shelby (Julia Roberts) is a diabetic who is getting married, M’Lynn (Sally Field) her disapproving mother.

Annelle (Daryl Hannah) is new in town, and may have just been illegally married. Clairee (Olympia Dukakis) is recently widowed, and finds distraction in her friendship with spiteful gossip Ouiser (Shirley Maclaine).

But the central story is that of Shelby, whose diabetic condition threatens her life when she decides to become pregnant, much to her Mother’s dismay.

Shelby’s pregnancy results in her being comatose. The baby is healthy, but Shelby’s kidneys are shot, and her mother offers one of hers.

It's all in vein however, as Shelby dies. In an effort to make everything better, Annelle decides to call her first born Shelby, cos that will heal all wounds…

Will It Make You Cry? Julia Roberts dies, that’s like losing a family member.

Will It Uplift You? Are you a sadist?

Cynicism Score: 6 – Most of the women end up enriched or better off, but all the men remain useless dicks.

Next: P.S. I Love You

P.S. I Love You (2007)

The Film: Recovering from the death of her husband, Gerry (Gerard Butler), Holly (Hillary Swank) receives ten letters he wrote before he died, designed to help her move on with her life.

Why So Serious? Holly and Gerry are a happily married couple… until Gerry get a brain tumour and dies.
She collapses and withdraws from friends and family, until her 30th birthday, when she receives her first message from her dead husband.

The messages, which all end with ‘PS I Love You”, send Holly on different adventures, telling her to celebrate herself and not to be consumed with sadness.

Her friends and family worry that the messages are causing her to hang on to the past, but with each message, she grows stronger and discovers more about herself, and how to carry on living without him.

Will It Make You Cry? You’ll cry when he dies, you’ll cry every time she gets a message from him, you’ll cry when it end happily for her.

You’ll also cry when you hear Gerry’s awful Oirish accent.

Will It Uplift You? Unless you’re suffering from the death of a spouse, probably not.

Cynicism Score: 5 – The feminists might have an issue with the fact that without her husband’s guidance, she’s a complete mess.

Next: Autumn In New York

Autumn In New York (1999)

The Film: An ageing lothario (Richard Gere) falls for a younger woman (Winona Ryder)…

Why So Serious? …oh, and she’s terminally ill. Just in case you thought you were gonna get through an entry without some sort of death occurring. Not on this list.

Will is a successful New York restaurant owner, a playboy who graces the cover of magazines, a bachelor with a commitment phobia. Charlotte is a free-spirited 22 year-old artist who lives with her grandmother.

The pair have a one night stand, and after Will tells her not to expect much from him, she tells him about her tumour.

Will is struck by her unpredictable nature, and begins to have feelings of love toward her. But after a bit of a casual dalliance with another women, Charlotte rejects Will, causing him to question his nature, and hw his behaviour affects others.

While trying to convince her to take him back, Will is visited by a young woman, claiming to be his daughter. She has a child of her own. Reeling from the news, Will promises to change and Charlotte takes him back.

He helps her cope with her illness, and she helps him become more responsible, and build a relationship with his daughter.

Then guess what? Yeah, she dies. Will moves in with his daughter and her son, a changed man.

Will It Make You Cry? For every moment of fleeting happiness, there is always the looming hand of fate there to remind you that Charlotte isn’t gonna make it to the end credits. When she goes, so will your tear ducts.

Will It Uplift You? How do we put this..? In a word; no.

Cynicism Score: 9 – Beautiful young woman has to die for aging playboy to learn his lesson. Right, cos that’s fair.

Next: Dying Young

Dying Young (1991)

The Film: Pretty but cautious Hillary (Julia Roberts) becomes caretaker for rich, well educated and handsome leukemia patient Victor (Campbell Scott).

Why So Serious? Both Hillary and victor have had little luck in love, and both yearn for intimacy, through their relationship as nurse and patient, they grow close.

When Victor gets better he professes his love for her, and they become lovers. As his health starts to decline again, he hides it from her, fearing she will leave him.

Hillary, who has been at the receiving end of too many painful betrayals and lies in the past, doesn’t handle to deception well.

The relationship begins to break down into tantrums and brick walls, until a final heart-to-heart puts their fears on the table and they can finally achieve the intimacy they yearn for.

He dies, having experienced true love. She has become a much stronger person, realising she deserves to be loved, and goes on to live a full life. The End.

Will It Make You Cry? Campbell Scott is a bit annoying to be fair, but as soon as Julia turns on the waterworks, you’re bound to shed a few tears yourself.

Will It Uplift You? If you want uplifting, watch Rocky.

Cynicism Score: 4 – Both parties learn that the power of love goes along way. Can’t stop death though, can it?

Next: Jude

Jude (1996)

The Film: Jude (Christopher Eccleston) is a hardworking mason who falls in love with similar-minded soul-mate Sue (Kate Winslet).

Why So Serious? Well for starters, Jude and Sue are cousins. Not the end of the world you say? How red is your neck exactly?

Jude is already married to another woman, who has deserted him. He is a lowly working class man, but dreams of becoming a scholar, and thinking himself free to do so, makes for the city.

Once there his hopes are constantly dashed by his status, and station in life.

Sue is unhappily married to a schoolteacher. The pair begin a relationship, which is frowned on out of wedlock.

They have children, and this further incites the disapproval of society around them. Jude loses job after job, and the pair are kicked out of their homes when landlords discover the nature of their relationship.

Jude and Sue are visited by a child from Jude’s first marriage, who he didn’t know existed. They welcome him into the home.

When he sees the trouble he and his siblings are causing their parents, he strangles Sue’s children with a box cord before committing suicide.

Sue suffers a crisis of guilt, and despite not loving her first husband, returns to him. Jude is tricked into re-marrying his first wife when drunk.

Attempting a last reconciliation with Sue, he seeks her out in the rain, which causes him to become seriously ill. He dies within a year.

Will It Make You Cry? Might not make you actually cry, but boy it’s depressing.

Will It Uplift You? The upper classes might sustain some glee at the suffering of a ‘lesser’ man.

Cynicism Score: 8 – All your dreams will be destroyed by an uncaring world, unless you do what you are told and never question the status quo.

Next: Requiem For A Dream

Requiem For A Dream (2000)

The Film: A film that explores the parallel lives of Sara Goldfarb (Ellen Burstyn), her son, Harry (Jared Leto), his girlfriend Marion (Jennifer Connelly) and best friend, Tyrone (Marlon Wayans)

Why So Serious? They’re all junkies.

Harry, Tyrone and Marion are three kids in Brooklyn’s run down Brighton Beach neighbourhood. Hooked on heroin, they constantly look for a score, and a way to escape.

Sara Goldfarb spends her days trying to fend off her son, who’d sell anything that isn’t strapped down for a fix. Finding out she is to appear on her favourite game show, she becomes hooked on diet pills in order to fit into her favourite red dress.

The trio of junkies plan to sell heroin to escape their dead-end lives, but after making money, they begin to lose it, and their lives start to spiral out of control.

Looking for ways to make money, Harry convinces Marion to sleep with her rich psychiatrist (her parents pay for his services), which she does. He tells her that if she wants to make some real money, he has contacts.

Tipped off about a shipment, they arrive only for the deal to go bad, and the supply truck to drive away, leaving them and several other junkies high and dry.

Meanwhile, Sara’s diet pill addiction is having serious ramifications for her mental health and she begins hallucinating, all while popping pills like candy.

Harry and Marion fight after he returns without a fix, during which she notices a black spot on his arm where he injects.

Desperate, he and Tyrone decide to drive to Florida to score, fixing their problems. When they leave, Marion calls the psychiatrist in order to make some money.

Marion ends up at a sex club, performing gratuitous and degrading sex acts in front of the rich clientele.

On the road, Harry’s black spot has grown to an alarming size and is extremely painful. Tyron takes him to the nearest hospital, where the pair are arrested for being junkies.

In prison, Tyrone must go cold turkey, while doing hard labour and dealing with racist southern prison guards.

At the prison hospital, the doctors are left with no choice but to amputate Harry’s arm, which had become infected and started to rot due to his drug taking.

Back in Brooklyn, Sara, dishevelled and disturbed, flees her apartment after the fridge tries to eat her. She wanders the streets, insane, ending up at the TV station, where she is arrested.

She ends up in a psychiatric hospital, where after refusing treatment, she is subjected to electroshock therapy. Her friends visit, but she is a drooling shadow of her former self.

Will It Make You Cry? By the end you’ll probably be so depressed you’ll have forgotten how to cry.

Will It Uplift You? If it does, please, call a doctor.

Cynicism Score: 10 – Life is futile. Thanks for the pep talk.

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Sophie's Choice (1982)

The film ends with both Sophie and the mentally unstable Nathan committing suicide by way of cyanide, dying in each others arms.

Next: Love Story

Love Story (1971)

Next: Beaches

Beaches (1988)

Next: Terms Of Endearment

Terms Of Endearment (1983)

Next: Steel Magnolias

[Page-break]

Steel Magnolias (1989)

Next: P.S. I Love You

P.S. I Love You (2007)

Next: Autumn In New York

Autumn In New York (1999)

Next: Dying Young

Dying Young (1991)

Next: Jude

Jude (1996)

Next: Requiem For A Dream

Requiem For A Dream (2000)

Agree with our choices? What's your most depressing movie? Leave us a comment

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