Tonight's TV listings

The shortest walk of shame: Bex & Luke
Day 36 Big Brother wouldn’t be Big Brother without the ubiquitous new couple. And this year it was Busty Bex and wannabe politician Luke. A twisted, topless Little and Large for 2008. “Rebecca was quite drunk and very emotional,” ­explained Luke, the day after their first kiss. “I thought the best way to comfort her was through my tongue.” She spent the whole next day crying. The couple are still ­together, and have even had a fake wedding. Odds on how long it will last?

Most innovative use of a beaker: Mikey
Day 19  Channel 4 wheeled in a truckload of “characters” this year, including blind Scottish DJ Mikey. You’d think housemates would play down the fact he used a cup to wash himself (yes, every part). But why be calm when there’s screaming and pointing to be done?

Most controversial use of phlegm in a TV studio: Dennis
Day 22  Tempers frayed and bodily fluids sprayed after a task. Hairdresser Dennis got chucked out by the new strict BB for spitting at Mo. Things kicked off when Mo stood up to Dennis for attacking Rex, who had smudged Jen’s painting. Mature. 

Lifetime achievement for services to cider: Mohammed
Day 75  If BB has proved one thing it’s that there are people who will do anything for fermented apples. Even if that includes eating the contents of someone’s nose. Yep, “Greedy Mo” lived up to his nickname when he was dared to eat something “green and buttery”.

Most vanished contestant: Alex
Day 14  Angry Alex De-Gale was the most EVIL contestant in Big Brother history. Ever. For a week. Until she got thrown out for intimidating behaviour. She told albino rapper Darnell: ­“Personal offence is never forgotten. I’ve got a very, very, very, very, very strong team outside. I look forward to whatever the result.” Since then, no one at Channel 4, or in the house, has mentioned her name. Perhaps she never really existed?

Most impressive mind control: Rex
Fair play to bully Rex. He told Bex she “doesn’t need another biscuit”,  he told Rachel she’s boring, told Mo he’s disgusting and lazy – at least 20 times a day – told a smitten Darnell he’ll never get it on with Aussie Sara, and called Thai cookie monster Kat a fake. Yet, he still clawed through to the final night. Genius. Services to keeping the single

Population alive: Rex & Nicole
Day 58  Although Rex spent half the series pining for girlfriend Nicole, watching his smug face drop when she came in as a prize was enough to convince any singles they’re better off that way. And when they weren’t stroking and telling each other how beautiful they both were, they were fighting. And fighting some more. And fighting about fighting. Not helped by the fact half of London claimed to have slept with Rex, and Nicole wasn’t allowed to mention it.

Best in show: Mario
Day 25  Mix Sly Stallone with David Brent and you get the sort of man that confidently says: “I’m a ­facilitator, a manager of people.” A man whose name is really Sean but who changed it to Mario. A man who feels no shame in applying bodybuilder-strength fake tan to his G-stringed girlfriend Lisa, or proposing to her via giant postcards on national TV.

Big Brother Finale, Channel 4, 8pm

Tonight's TV listings